The Last Jedi – With My Mother (repost review)

VERY LONG POST WITH MANY IMAGES BELOW. If you stick around long enough you’ll spot the exact moment I lost the will to live…

“What’s this? Who is this?”
…
“What’s he talking about?”

“Stop. Stop. What is going on?”
“Yknow I promised I wouldn’t say anything.”
“Don’t do that, I want to know what’s happening! What’s happening?…He came to destroy the ship? The big ship? He thinks he can? How?”
“This is Star Wars. A tiny little ship is much more powerful than a big ship.”

“It is?”
“It is in this movie.”
“…what about the Armada! Heh heh!”
[The Mother of Skaith has no idea]

“What’s he supposed to be doing?! The little thing! What IS he doing?…Oh, he’s fixing something?”
“Yes. And then he headbutted it. That fixed it.”

“What’s he trying to do?”
“They’re going to bomb them now.”

“The dreadnaught is their big ship?”
“Yes.”
“Are they on that ship?”
“What?”
“Are they on that ship that they’re targeting?”
“Are who on that ship?”
“The people.”
“What people…?”

“What? What’d she do? Is she a traitor?”

“What is she doing!? What’s happening RIDERS!”
[Bujold Did It Better]

“What’s going on? What’s she doing?”
“Ok. Remember the remote control? I explained about the remote control? She fell down the ladder and it’s at the top of the ladder and she’s lying there kicking it to drop it down and get to push the button instead of GETTING BACK UP THE LADDER TO PUSH IT.”
“Ok.”
…
“…maybe she couldn’t get to it.”
“SHE COULD MOVE BOTH HER ARMS AND LEGS. SHE COULD KICK IT AND SHE COULD GRAB IT, THERE”S NO REASON SHE COULDN’T CLIMB THE LADDER.”

“Ok, ok, ok.”

“Why are you looking at me? I know him. I saw this in the last one. What!”
“Did you see it?”
“See what? He took it and left.”
“Oh, you didn’t see it. Let me rewind it.”

“I’m looking….I’m looking….he threw it away! What? I just saw it! Why would he do that?”

“Who do the other houses belong to?”
“….they’re fish nuns who….they’re fish nuns.”

“Oh, and those are the porgs!…you don’t care.”

“They look like li’l birds to me.”

“Doesn’t it look like he’s wearing a bathrobe?” [It really does, though. That’s the same knot I tie on mine.]

“Yeah. I don’t like to look at him though.”
“Oh, did you know that the guy playing him played Gollum?”
“…Gollum was a little thing.”
“No, but he did the motions for the CGI.”
[unimpressed] “Oh.”

“Stop looking at me. Watch the movie.”

“What’s this? Same girl? And she’s just following him?

“What is that?…Oh gross!”

“…Don’t look at me.”

“What’s that? He don’t know either?”
“Do you remember the part in Empire Strikes Back where Luke is being trained and he goes into the cave and he sees Darth Vader in the cave and he fights him and it’s the darkness in himself?”
“I think so.”
“This is the same thing. Only she’s going to see more of herself than he does because she’s special.”

“…what is the boy going to do? The evil boy…Kylo Ren.”

“I don’t know.”
“How do you not know?”

“Is he trying to redeem himself?”
“No.”
“What’s he trying to do?”
“He’s trying to kill his mother.”
“Why?”
“He wants to be evil.”
“He’s already evil!”
“According to his master, he’s not evil enough.”
“Oh.”

“What is this boy’s name?”

“Does he kill her?”
“Oh, just watch.”
“He kills her?…She didn’t die? What? I don’t understand! I thought the thing was blown up? She’s coming back to life?”

“Oh, she’s flying into the burned-up ship…do not look at me, please.”

“He come there to kill her himself?”
“Yes.”
“Oh.”

[Admiral PurpleHair]

“Who?”

“Is that the sort of thing you do to your subordinate? Is it? Is it? IS IT?”
“To that sort of subordinate!”
“To just mock and harangue him?”

“She told him to follow orders.”
“What orders? She had no orders. Do you do that to your subordinates? To anyone! Anyone! In front of everyone!”
“There were no other people around.”
“They were right in the middle of everyone! That is not the thing to do!”
“Watch the movie.”

“She looks like she’s not a—she looks like she’s not loyal, anyway.”
“She’s a hero.”
“…”
“…She’s a hero.”

“He isn’t a part of the army! She can’t do that!”
“She’s just doing what she thinks—“
“She doesn’t have any reason to do this!”
“It’s just a movie.”
“She’s in the rest of the movie, too. She’s in the rest of the movie…..oh God…I didn’t actually watch it past the sea cow milk part, I…I…I didn’t know it was this bad…”

[insultingly stupid, insultingly condescending, insultingly awful scene of the insultingly horrible message from the pseudo-Yoda goggle alien woman. Why is this scene so stupid? Why? Is it because it’s an infodump used to obviously set up a new plot point? Is it because it has no connection to anything else other than to contrive a new situation? Is it because it uses the stupid and egregious modern cliché of tee-hee, enemies so silly, I talk to you while I deal with them with one hand? Is it because she does backflips while remaining in range of the camera? Is it because it brings up and dismisses past characters in a contrived fashion? Is it because it makes people want to gouge their own eyes out? IS IT A PLAN BY DISNEY TO FORCE PEOPLE TO BUY THOSE STUPID GOGGLES IN ORDER TO PROTECT THEIR EYES FROM THIS HORRIBLE FATE? IS IT? IS IT? IS IT?]

“Ha! Who’s the master codebreaker? Is it Luke?”
“No.”
“Well, who is it? Is it Rey?”
“It’s no one.”

“It can’t be no one. Who is it?”
“It’s a guy they pick up in jail after going to the place and getting thrown in jail.”
“It has to be someone she’s talking about. He’s someone important. You’ll see.”
[The Mother of Skaith has never heard of clever filmmakers subverting audience expectations. Oh, just you wait.]

“He came? He’s there?”
“No. They have a Force link.”

“What?”

“What.”

“What!”

“Stop it. I didn’t hear what she said. He put himself away from the Force?”
“He said, he’s only felt this kind of power before—because these people are more powerful than him, or Darth Vader, or Anakin, anyone else, because they’re new people, they’re more powerful than he’s ever felt before.”
“Yes, yes, after that. What did he say at the end?”
“He’s only felt this kind of raw power once before with Ben. The evil boy. Kylo Ren.”

“She lyin’?”
“Yes.”

“The worst people. See? You get it? You get it? You get it? You get it? Because they’re rich. You get it yet?”
“Yes.”
“See? He’s complaining about traffic. Because he’s rich. You got it yet?”
“Just play the movie.”

“See, see, they’re bad people. Because they’re beating up the dog-ponies. And the little slave boys.”
[This scene is SO ON THE NOSE IT HURTS.]
“They are bad people because they sell weapons! Not because they are rich!”
“Y’know…why does it have to be weapons? Weapons are good! Guns are good! They shouldn’t be—you know what, why isn’t Finn and them there buying weapons themselves?”
“Why are you shouting?”
“They should be buying weapons! Even from the rich evil weapons dealers. Because they’re down to one ship and they lost all their bombers, they should be buying new ships. Why aren’t they buying new ships! That actually makes sense!”
“You are shouting for no reason.”
“They should be buying new ships.”
“Be quiet!”

“Why does he have to have his head covered all the time?”

“He’s lying.”
“He is?”
“Yeah, he’s lying.”

“That’s a good line, there. ‘You didn’t fail Kylo, Kylo failed you. And I won’t.’”

“I told you, she don’t know what she’s doing. She looks like she’s a traitor.”
“Oh, she’s not a traitor, she’s a hero.”
“…”

“She’s a hero.”
“She doesn’t know what she’s doing.”

“See, this is the guy. They get him instead of the master code breaker. Because they don’t need a master code breaker, they can just use a guy th…”
[I FUCKING GIVE UP. Why. Why. Why. Why. Redrum REDRUM REDRUM.]

“It’s a cowsheep?”
“It’s a ponydog.”
“Looks like a cowsheep.”
“It’s got pony ears.”

“Why is the child there?”

[Then they stampede the kangaroopigcows through the casino. This scene is so egregious even the Mother of Skaith wondered what was up.]

“Where are they going?”
“They’re goi…they’…they….they’re going to run into a ship. It’s going to be sitting there with the ramp down and they’re going to run right up it.”
“Oh.”

“Oh, what happened? What did she do to the animal?”
“She took its saddle off.”
“And then she said, now it’s worth it? Now that is too much….”

[snicker]

“I don’t believe that. What? How? How could that be? That would make Luke evil!”

“Why is she listening to him, anyway?”
“Because he didn’t have a shirt on.”

[The Mother of Skaith: eyerolls]

“Don’t shake his hand….he might squeeze it. This boy squeezed my hand the other day and I’m not shaking hands any more.”

“ ‘Did you’—what?”
“Create Kylo Ren.”
“What? How? How could Luke Skywalker create Kylo Ren?”
“Because he snuck into his room and tried to murder him with a lightsaber.”
“But why would Luke do that? That don’t make no sense.”

“…his master didn’t fail him? How could he…”

“Uh uh! Lookie here! Look at that!”

[“At least you’re stealing from the bad guys and helping the good.” Well, at least Finn isn’t, like, losing any IQ points to make him say things like this. He’s been this stupid the entire movie.]

“Tell me she’s not a traitor.”
“She’s a hero.”
“I didn’t ask you that.”

[“Traitor!”]
“I TOLD YOU!”
“She’s a hero….she’s a hero.”
“Hush.”

[Yeah, perfect. Tell him that, Chewie. What have they done to you, Chewie?]

[The master code breaker hacks by typing really really fast and has little code beads in his sleeves. I wrote this same exact fucking scene when i was ten years old and hacking was this mystical thing smart people (who were also criminals) did. I was not at the time, a professional scriptwriter employed by a major motion picture studio.]

“Where is she going? Back to their base?”
“No, she’s going to go turn Kylo back to the Light Side.”
“Are you serious?”

“Now what’s happening?”

“Ok, they went and got the master code breaker–”
“I know that, what’s happening?”
“Ok, so they got those uniforms from…somewhere—and they put a garbage can over the little rolly robot so it only looks like a garbage can, except that the evil little robot over there is going to spot them.”

“What’d he say?”
“He said she’ll turn.”
“What? She’ll turn? Will she turn?”
“No. Of course not.”
“So he’s lying. Or he thinks he’s lying.”

“He saw who her parents were?”
“Yes.”

“Sooo, how did he capture her?”

“She went to him. She had Chewie launch her in the escape pod and she went to him.”
“Why?”
“Because she thinks she can turn him.”
“She have sense?”
“She’s a heroine.”
“All by herself she had this idea?”
“She’s a STUPID heroine.”

“Why did he go with them in the first place? How did they find him? He was in a bar or something, wasn’t he?”
“He was in jail.”
“Why was he in jail?”
“They didn’t ask.”
“But why was he in jail after all, the First Order put him in jail. OR he was a plant or something.”
“They didn’t ask! We never find out.”
“There has to be a reason.”
“There isn’t a reason.”
“There has to be a reason. You just watch it and you’ll find out.”
…
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“Ok, so, you see, Mom, the people who made this movie did this on purpose. They want to do things that are unexpected, like, unexpected, and this is one of them.”
“No. That is not what you do. Even if it is unexpected, it still has to make sense.”
“That’s one of your expectations that they were subverting.”
“…it has to make sense.”
“….”

“Why’d she do that! She not have any sense either?”
“Oh, that’s another thing they want to subvert.”
“Leia?”

“She really looks old. Older than her mother.”
“Cocaine is really bad for you.”

“Why don’t they call him Luke? They should say Luke, not just Skywalker.”

“Waitaminute, wait, hang on, where did the fire come from? Wait, wait, wait, I’m going back to find out where the fire came from.”
“All that sparking. All that sparking, something caught on fire.”

“Oh, there it is. See, there.”
“But wait, wait, wait, why is the wall made out of cloth? Look, you can see where it connects to the floor!”
“Stop shouting.”
“I’m not shouting. Why is the wall made out of cloth? Just one layer of cloth? What?”

“You know, he was right, she still had a stupid idea with the transports, that they would not be safe. The place may be safe but it’s not safe.”

“The place is falling appart.”
“Yeah, but that’s because it’s made out of cloth.”

“Quick, turn around, the other guy’s dying!”

“Tell her to give him the thing, the saber, and she can go. He can stay there.”

“Can those transports do diving, you know, like the ships do? They just go straight?”

“What’s she going to do?”

“Ok, what is she doing? Is she being…is she just…”

“Ahhh! Give her the thing, boy! Come on! Oh, they’re fighting for it.”

“Who is this woman? Who is this woman?”

“She’s the female stormtrooper leader.”
“Oh, there’s a female stormtrooper leader. Ok.”

“What’s she doing?”

“She’s going to crash into the big ship.”
“Oh, ok.”

“Who’s that?”
“The same female stormtrooper leader.”

“Oh.”

“What is this? Ahaha! It’s the little thingy!”

“So what happened with the two of them? I don’t understand what happened with them with the lightsaber. Why did he want it?”
“…I dunno. Just cause she was trying to grab it back, maybe.”
[Why did Kylo want the saber? Shouldn’t he be letting the past die?]

“What’d he say?”
“The Supreme Leader is dead, Long Live the Supreme Leader.”

[The reason that you do not generally send women, especially pregnant or elderly ones, into battle. 1) if you send a pregnant woman out, she will be physically unfit for the duty. 2), if you lose her, you also lose the baby. And no one wants to lose babies. If you send an elderly woman out, she will be generally physically unfit for the duty, and it also looks bloody stupid. Poor Carrie Fisher was obviously having trouble moving in that ball gown.]

“He…petted it. Did you see that? He was petting it.”

“What cannon?”
“The battering-ram cannon.”
“I didn’t see the canon.”
“They haven’t brought it out yet.”

“What’d he say?”
“He said, all fighters go after the Falcon. Which is really stupid because then they…arrrghhhhh.”

“He gonna die?’
“Oh, watch this.”

“What’s he doing?”
“He’s going to dive right into the middle of it and blow it up.”
“Blow what up, the thing?”

“What happened there? What happened there? What happened there? Somebody knocked him out before he hit it? She did? Did she die? Did she die?”
“We’re not sure. She might be back for the sequel.”

“Noo, they just don’t trust you anymore.”

“What is that, who? Luke? Where’d he come out of? Out of thin air?”

“What’s this?”
“The stupid girl.”
“What girl?”
“The girl that knocked him aside.”
“Oh.”

[And if your membership is majority female, but your leadership is a charismatic male, to whom, even better/worse, your wise aged female specifically cedes leadership…what does that say?]

“What did she say?”
“Lifting rocks.”
“What’s lifting rocks?”
“She’s going to go lift the rocks.”
“So they can get away?”

[Why couldn’t this scene have been awesome? It could have been awesome. Damn you Hollywood.]

“What? What’s happening there?”
“He’s not really there.”

“What. How could he not be there?”

“Who is this child? Who is this child?”

“It’s to show that their story has spread and they are an inspiration to the masses, but only the lowest of the low. Everyone else can just buzz off and die.”
[…come to think of it, it’s a pretty damn direct communist parallel, there. THE OPPRESSED MASSES versus THE DECADENT ELITE. God damn you, Hollywood.]

“Oh, so what is your overall opinion of the movie?”
“There is this new Avengers movie. Wakanda. Everyone’s talking about it on Facebook. They say we’re going to Wakanda.”
“Yeah, good riddance to them. But this movie, what did you think of it?”
“I want to see the new Avengers movie. Wakanda. Or Thor. Is there a new Thor movie?”

Poetry Corner – Invictus

OUT of the night that covers me, 
 Black as the Pit from pole to pole, 
 I thank whatever gods may be 
 For my unconquerable soul.
 
In the fell clutch of circumstance 
 I have not winced nor cried aloud, 
 Under the bludgeonings of chance 
 My head is bloody, but unbowed.
 
Beyond this place of wrath and tears 
 Looms but the horror of the shade, 
 And yet the menace of the years 
 Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

 It matters not how strait the gate, 
 How charged with punishments the scroll, 
 I am the master of my fate: 
 I am the captain of my soul. 

- William Ernest Henley