Movies With [My m] -Others – Ride A Crooked Trail

[A/N: there was one Jamaican, one Trinidadian, and one Brooklynite in the audience.  Distribute accents as you see fit.]

“Do people talk in this movie?”
“I’m gonna need my notebook, aren’t I?”
“Why?”
“She takes down what people say during movies.”
“Why?”
“It’s for her blog.”
“…why?”
“It gets her clicks!”
“…”

“What’s the storyline? Can you fastforward it?”
“No.”
“She’s easily bored.”
“You don’t say.”

“I like diversity in my movies! Are there any black persons in this movie?”
“Yes.”
“There are?”
“No.”

“What is this, were they fighting and now they are friends?”
“It’s how it used to work in the west.”

“Is this a scifi western?”
“No.”
“Then why does he keep getting shot and not dying?”

“Doctor takin’ care of him and he making a fuss?”
“Men are the worst…patients. The worst patients.”
“….S, you are married!”
“I’m just sayin’!”

“Why he have on a choir robe now?”
“What.”
“That looks like a ‘joyful, joyful!’ choir robe, man!”
“It’s a Judge’s robe! Don’t you watch Judge Judy?”
“She have clothes on under her robes, man!”
“Oh I see what you mean, he has nothing on under the robe! Where’s his shirt?”
“See? And him in court, man!”
“He just came out of the doctor.”
“He had time to drink and smoke but he have no time to put on a shirt?”
“He was smoking the whole time, he just had time for one drink.”
“This is the wholesome show? With drinking and smoking and shoot outs?”
“But there’s no language!”
“So I could drink and smoke and it be O.K., so long as I don’t swear?”
“…”

“He has too much of a high-pitched voice for a cowboy.”
“He’s not a cowboy, he’s the judge’s assistant.”
“….it’s too highpitched.”

“So the town had no sheriff before him? How can a town function like that?”
“It’s how stuff happened back then.”
“Over here in America it is how stuff happened back then.”
“It’s how everything was back then everywhere!”

“All the towns are tough!…stop writing everything I say.”

“Are they on a houseboat?”
“Yes.”
“How they cooking on a houseboat? Propane?”
“….”
“They had propane back in those days?”

“Look at the egg!”
“That’s not good hangover food!—he’s going to vomit.”
“You watched it before?”
“No! I have been in this situation before and I know how you handle it? You see him? He is a pro! Him, he is a rookie!”

“I don’t know much about movies….you gonna write that?”
“No, it’s not funny enough.”
“[shriek of laughter]”
“….OK….”

“A little harlot there.”
“What did you call her?”
“She said she was a Harley?”
“She said she was a little harlot!”
“Well, she is!”
“That’s harsh.”
“She is dressed like one, look.”
“It’s a nice dress…”

(“What is a blog?”)

“Did you hear that? They ask him about ‘passage money,’ and he says, ‘do not bother me with trifles!’ I am going to start using that line in real life now.”

[Trini]: “Black person!”
[Jamaica]: “He is really black.”
[Trini]: “And what are you?”
[Jamaica]: “I’m black.”
[Trini]: “Yes! You are black!”
[Jamaica]: “He is really black, though.”
[Trini]: “But what are you?!”

“Pancakes! Pancakes existed then?”

“I like his dress. He is very neat. I hate a sloppy male.”

“Is this a love story? They fall in love?”
“…not really.”

“Look at the man’s suit. Why the males don’t dress like this? They so sloppy now!”

“They’re gonna claim the child!”
“What? Why?”

“Oh, that woman is pushing it! She’s pushing it! She knows he is fake!”
“She also knows he’s good with a gun.”
“That, too.”

[Trini] “Riders, how you gonna translate Trinidadian on your blog? I don’t want to be Americanized here. You got to make me be authentic.”

“Why do they always want to break the bank in these old times?”
“Cause that’s where the money was!”
“They have real money back then?”
“They had gold!”
“Oh! Gold!”

“He’s not very good looking.”
“I don’t like him.”
“He looks plastic.”
“Yeah! He look like a puppet.”

“You know why he walkin’ backwards facing them?”
“He afraid?”
“That’s so he’ll be able to pull his gun!”
[boom]
“See!”

“I do not like that man, he’s got a puppet face!”

“Everybody going back? Why?”
“They want to hit the bank.”
“Without proper preparation?”
“Nope.”
“They all goin’ die.”

“Did they adopt him?”
“The Judge sent him over.”
“Why? To spy on them?”
“No, because he is supposed to be with them because they’ll give him a better home.”
“He come with his gun and suitcase!”

“Ohhh, her little ovaries tingling, you know! Her ovaries tingling, you know…Riders, you are taking my best things, I will not be able to say any of these things in real life now. Copyright everything [Trini Girl]!”

“Aha, in his choir robe he is shooting them!…oh no, this time he is dressed!”

“That horse walked backwards!”
“They are capable of doing that.”

“See, I like this person. She likes my movies.”
“I am enjoying this movie, too. Ish.”

“Wait, what happened at the shootout at the bank?”
“They all died. Ish.”

“[Redacted redacted redacted, redacted. Redacted!] Do not write that! Do not write that!”

“Are you coming to watch the movie, Auntie?”
“Please let the movie continue.”
“Oh, so, do you guys know Lord of the Rings? Do you know how long Lord of the Rings is? Do you know she once stood there and watched the entire movie standing there?”
“I am better now. I am going to sit down. Continue!”

(“Lord of the Rings is like seventeen hundred hours long, no?”
“What is Lord of the Rings? That is the one where they are like, traveling in the mountains or something?”
“It is the thing with the Ring, and the ‘my precious’ and the Dobby person…no, not Dobby…”
“Shhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
“Oh, shh, okay. Yes. Sh.”)

“Oh! A sheriff!”

“Is that him talking about himself?”
“Yes.”

“Can he hear?”
“Yup! That’s an ‘I heard’ face!”
[Auntie who walked in late]: “Who is he! That wicked man?”
“He is the good guy actually? He is a Judge.”

“Is he a good guy?”
“OK, so, the Sheriff guy is actually an outlaw who is pretending to be the Sheriff because the real Sheriff fell off a cliff…accidentally…and he went into town and has been being Sheriff, and doing a real good job protecting the town—“
“—because he’s protecting his bank! See him talking, like it’s “his” bank! When he just want to rob it!”
“Yeah, and there’s this other guy and a girl, but they’re not important right now.”

“Is that a baby horse for him, that is adorable. DO NOT WRITE THAT DOWN.”
[Brooklyn-but-lives-in-the-country-and-knows-the-difference]: “It’s not a foal!”
“It’s a pony.”
“It is a pony?”
“It’s a big pony!”
“Technically, a pony is any horse below a certain height.”
“Oh.”
“So that’s a horse.”
“…”

“They know him?”
“That’s the guy!”
“Who guy, the puppet face?”
“His face doesn’t move when he talks!”
“That’s what I said, he’s a puppet!”

“They could just shoot him in his back, but—“
“Don’t turn your back!—“
“—But there’s other cowboys and men around, so he’s ok.”
“Oh, he is ok.”

“OH NO! He’s dead!”
“No, no, no, they save him, they save him!….this is an emotional turmoil!”
“You see children, they get you in trouble!”
“What happened to him?”
“He got mash-up!”

“Who is she?”
“She’s his fake wife!”
“She’s his…fake wife?”
“She’s there for the bank, too.”
“Oh.”

“Uh oh! What now!?”
“What?”
“That music! That music make me know something going’ happen!”

“She is not into you!”

“He better be in that bed, or they have to buss’ his little head up!”

“What a beautiful dress!”
“That is another outfit!”

“She want the Judge to stay there so the Judge can see him there!”
“Women, they just manipulate the situation.”

“So where the little boy?”
“He sleeping. As a child should.”

“So isn’t that the place where no decent woman should be?”
“Well she’s there with her husband and the Judge…”
“He’s a common man! What kind of Judge is that?”

“She like this new life she living in. Doesn’t she? Doesn’t she?—“
“She is a schemer!”
“She likes this life, but she is torn. Riders, confirm this for me.”
“Mm-hm.”
“No, confirm it for me for real. Is she not doing this to keep him in sight of the Judge so the Judge cannot blame him for this when the bank is blown up?”
“No, the Judge is going to to blame him anyway.”
“Oh.”
“Because they could have had accomplices.”

“This movie is getting worse and worse and worser!”

“NOOOOO!….Riders, make sure you put lots of O’s in my NO.”

“That is a loyal child!”

“Cows again?”

“Is he there? He hiding between the cows!”
“Who?”
“The bad guy?”
“Puppet Face?”

“Why do not just shoot him and kill him!”
“If they shoot, the cows will get nervous.”

“What!”
“Are they going to shoot him? And kill him?”

“AWWWWWwwww!”
“He is a decent guy!”
“They are all decent people! Everyone can change!”
“That is what I am also saying!”
(“Are you putting that she is saying this in a Trinidadian accent?”)

“It was a wholesome movie….minus the whole common law shacking up before they are married thing!”
“They got married in the end!”
“You must shun the appearance of evil! And they were living together!”
“Yes, but he was sleeping in a bathtub.”
“That is true.”

“That was a nice movie Riders, who would have thought!”