Overheard: fRaNkLy…

“D wants the business transferred to his name, because it’s embarrassing when the head of the Applied Sciences Department for Education University, Small Town Branch, fails to get certified.”
“L is head of the department?…that’s embarrassing in itself.”

“I used to get a kick out of getting audited, back when my tax situation was more complicated.”

“I saw two Teslas on the way up here.”
“You are the only person I know who cares.”
“You don’t, like, track cars as they go past? License plates?”
“No.”
“…there’s also this Jaguar I see periodically at Walmart.”

“I wouldn’t say I’m a donut expert…but frankly I am.”

“Wow, all of y’all Southern Baptist? Everybody’s sitting in the back row…”

“Any Federal agents here…? No? Good, ’cause I’m gonna talk about how those guys are no use.”

“Do y’all have a specific ordinance for the weight of a chain?”
“That’s for a f’n liger!”

“People just do not want to spay or neuter their animals!”
“Yeah, ’cause there’s so many health benefits. I don’t know what health benefits there are, but there are many of them, apparently.”
“Well, I can guarantee they won’t ever have testicular cancer…”

Books Review: Majyk Trilogy – Esther Friesner

So, back when the fantasy market wasn’t nearly as flooded or as particular about quality, Esther Friesner published Majyk by Accident, Majyk by Hook or Crook, and Majyk by Design. 

I thought these books were hilarious when I was ten.

And since that really can’t be the only thing this review says, I guess I’ll start with the good points.

First, there are still bits that made me snort, such as….Second, the second book was a marked improvement over the first and third books (we’ll revisit this point under “cons.” I still sometimes wish life provided me with more opportunities to utter the phrase “It’s a deadly ninja throwing pun” (although I was very excited to get to use “it’s a pune, or a play on words,” not too long ago.) The running gag about the romance novels, and the bit with the rival authors being positively (clenches teeth) happy that there are more books on shelves, was pretty darned funny. And the initial appearances of the mysterious masked swashbuckler A Blade For Justice, which are played semi-straight in adventure-swashbuckler-fantasy style, are worth a snicker especially if you guess or already know the twist.

I will also give credit where credit is due to: “Your guardsmen have no mercy!” “They shouldn’t, I paid for them to have it surgically removed” and the whole gag about how the Guardsman Academy had courses on how to take bribes properly. Book 2 (Majyk by Hook or Crook) has a lot less of the flaws I am going to subsequently complain about, mostly due to the fact that it a) does have plot, b) has personal stakes, c) proceeds to resolve the plot and resolve those personal stakes, not always happily.

Other than that, though, these books just aren’t very good.

They’re parody fantasy novels, without anything of substance to parody. Worse, there’s no meaningful core to the characters, their journeys, or the story itself that could elevate it above the juvenile gags that comprise 95% of its content….and roughly 87% of those jokes are “the talking cat has a New York accent.” That’s it, that’s the joke. The cat is from New York. (It wasn’t particularly funny for the first three pages. Now drag that out over three books.) The characters aren’t allowed to grow or breathe; the stakes never become personal; no emotion is allowed other than “the cat is funny because it’s from New York.” And I like cats.

The final damning point is that at no point in time is the plot (such as it is) allowed to gather any momentum whatsoever. Any, and I do mean every development that might lead to action either on the hero’s part, the villain’s part, the hero’s party’s part, has to be stopped dead in its tracks whilst The Talking Cat From New York discusses what’s going on, what it means, what needs to be done, and what should be done, and why, for at least a page and a half, preferably two or three. And this absolutely kills the comedic aspect of the story, because if it at least moved faster, we could move on from the failed jokes to ones that aren’t so bad, until the sum of the funny bits overweighs the unfunny bits.

Is there room for parody fantasy novels that also take the time to skewer the romance genre as well? Sure, and I’d’ve loved to enjoy these books again.

Alas.

Rated: Read Dark Lord of Derkholm or Equal Rites, they’re so much better.

Music Monday – Remember the Name

Turns out this is the perfect song for grinding out the last few reps to.

Frazetta Friday – Death Dealer

Raw Edge (1956 ) – Western Movie Review (rerepost)

[A/N: currently I have enough mental energy to work, work out, and eat food that isn’t the emergency pizza stash. Please enjoy this repost. ]

So I stumbled across this movie via Jeff Arnold’s Western movie blog). His review indicated, in short, that this movie is One Weird Puppy, but also that it starred Yvonne DeCarlo (she was in The Ten Commandments! And Criss Cross, and Brute Force. Really, IMDB, Brute Force? Huh.) Also, it has Rory Calhoun (Look, if you don’t watch 1950s B-Westerns, I don’t know what to say to you), and a couple of those other bit actors that you always can have fun spotting in the background going “sure, boss,” leering, and attempting the shoot the hero in the back.

IMDB: “In the lawless Oregon country of 1842, local magnate Gerald Montgomery decrees that any unattached woman belongs to the first taker. Dan Kirby is lynched, starting a stampede to claim his half-Indian wife Paca. Trouble starts with the local tribe, but worse is in store when Dan’s tough brother Tex rides in. The zeal of Montgomery’s men to protect him from Tex is tempered by their lust for Hannah, who’d be his widow.”

Soooo….yep, this is a weird movie all right. The person set up as the main villain does not have a big showdown with the hero; he’s absent most of the movie and the person whom the hero does confront and conquer is the two-bit thug we have been seen being a despicable lech the entire time. And there is the, uh, extremely weird setup for the plot to begin with.

(Quoth the Mother of Skaith: “Was that actually the law?” “No, mom. They made it up for the movie.” “Oh. Why?”)

What sets this movie apart from pure exploitation is the fact that all the characters–including the women–actively and intelligently work in their own interests. In both cases (yes, there’s only two women in the movie), their own interests prioritize: staying alive, protecting their loved ones, or avenging their loved ones, as well as conforming–or attempting to conform to–to standards of human decency.

Plot: So after the lynching of the guy who is going to be avenged by a handsome stranger with a gun, Mrs Montgomery/Hannah attempts to get his widow, Paca, to safety with her tribe. This doesn’t work; Paca is claimed by one of Montgomery’s men. She isn’t happy with the situation, needless to say, but sticking with the guy who can protect her is the only way to stay alive. She sticks with him, until the time comes when she can safely turn it around and…well….it’s not really a satisfying revenge, because it’s over too quickly. Meanwhile, Mr. Montgomery is absent (doing stuff. What stuff? The kind of stuff that keeps you out of the house when a handsome mysterious stranger with a gun arrives after you’ve lynched his brother), Mrs. Montgomery is not, and a handsome stranger mysterious stranger has just showed up with a gun.

You can kind of guess what happens from there on out. And even if you don’t, it’s unpredictably fun to watch happen.

Mrs. Montgomery is the damsel in distress of the movie and as such, given the expectations of modern audiences, is, well, actually slightly annoying. I kept yelling for her to get a freaking gun of her own. However, she is a genuinely likeable character regardless, and moreover, she’s consistently written. She remains ladylike and resourceful throughout all. You buy her personality and don’t want her to be hurt. She’s a loyal wife who loved (past tense) her husband, and is also semi-aware that the entire situation is his and partly therefore her fault. Still, Lady, get a freaking gun. (She does, however, attempt to brain a thuggish lech [Neville Brand, flashing his best teeth for the camera] with a candlestick in the final shootout. Which is something.)

The Indians are also given a treatment rather unusual for early westerns. They don’t whoop, they don’t shoot arrows, and they don’t get mowed down by the white men. They react to the murder of one of their own in a measured, reasonable way, and it’s quite satisfying.

The photography and acting is also very good; color is nicely used, scenery is lush, sets nice, etc. Yvonne looks spectacular and Rory is more than adequately handsome. I’m also out of time, so,

Rated: Four ornamental bull’s heads out of five.

MidJourney: can you illustrate it?

So can you make MidJourney / AI art generators illustrate your stories for you? Yes and no–not yet. Will you be able to? Yes, soon. Did it draw me a picture of a caracal in a trench coat? Yes. Lots. (“Oh, that’s nice, that’s a lynx.” “That’s a caracal.” “Oh.” “That one’s a lynx.” “Ok, ok, ok, I see, I see, so, now, just for my benefit, Riders?” “Yes?” “In the future, how do I know which one’s a lynx and which one is a caracal?”) Did it also put eyepatches on them? No, for some reason it completely refused to put eyepatches on them, weird.Can I describe an isolated scene or mental image and have it 100% fulfilled?

No, not yet–and also YES TOTALLY.

• 

  Prompt: “a man looks down at his injured chest and arm, which are emitting black smoke, smooth, ultra-detailed digital art” Note that the word “bleeding,” much like the word “cleavage” is not allowed.
  
  This was done three months ago, with Version 3 or a very early beta of Version 4. It took about five upgrades to get it this far.
  Prompt: “a man looks down at his injured chest and arm, which are emitting black smoke, smooth, ultra-detailed digital art” Note that the word “bleeding,” much like the word “cleavage” is not allowed.
  
  This was done three months ago, with Version 3 or a very early beta of Version 4. It took about five upgrades to get it this far.

• 

  ‘Prompt: “a man looks down at his wounded arms, which are emitting black smoke”
  
  This was done three days ago with the current version of V4.’Prompt: “a man looks down at his wounded arms, which are emitting black smoke” (I didn’t specify “ultra-smooth digital art” because I forgot the exact prompt and I didn’t think it would be necessary. It wasn’t. Anyhoo.)
  
  This was done three days ago with the current version of V4.

• 

  This is really, really close to my mental image of the character/scene, but _not quite there yet._
  
  (Although, *one* hand is completely good, give it that!)

• 

  This one is also _oh so close._ I went with this one because the pose is less difficult for the AI to screw up.
  
  So, MidJourney v4 has a remaster mode that will allow you to modify your base prompt when generating variants of an image.

• 

  Reworked prompt: “<https://s.mj.run/TrNSc6lspwE&gt;, a man looks down at his wounded arms, which are emitting black smoke, red hair, historical costume”
  (I tried a couple variants with “young man,” but then it kept spitting back, like, figurative babies, so.)
  
  On the principle that simpler is better, I didn’t specify which historical era costume.

• 

  This is not bad. This is not bad at all. We have emotion. We have the clutching. We have the red hair. We have smokiness and a suggestion of fire. If this was the only one, I’d have gone with this one.

• 

  O.M.G.

Music Monday – C’est le jour

Or spoken: wHaAaAt?

“Oh yeah. That’s an eyeball right there.”

“Nip it in the bottom”

“Okay, who’s that now?”
“Oh, I got a subpoena comin’ in.”
[locks door] “No you don’t!”

“I like the vultures on the water tower. It’s like they’re watching the town die.”

“Yes…all that responsibility….you didn’t see my eyes roll.”
“We heard them :)”
“They rolled across the floor, down the hall…out the door…”

“Where do you get goose eggs?”
“From geese.”
“…”

[random program-loading noises] “…what?”
“How ADHD are you today?”
“You love working with me and you know it.”

“Huh, there’s still some snow on the ground here.”
“What? Where did it come from!?”
“The sky.”
“SHUT UP.”
“Heh.”
“I knew she was gonna say that. Because she is a smartass.”
“Heh heh heh.”

Frazettesque Friday – The Unseen Killer

technicalities

“But we aren’t human.” Sam cut him off, still cold and controlledly furious, and under the coldness he threw a sneer into his voice as well. “We aren’t even alive. Consider that, when you think what lives–all of your lives–are worth to us.”

It really was a good thing Sam was handling all the talking. I wouldn’t have been able to deliver that threat without bursting into tears.