Or spoken…ye gods…

“–and he is allll about the paperwork. I’m like, ‘OK psychopath–‘”

“Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you about kidnapping.”
“Oh shit, why?”
“It’s for a book!”
“Oh. Okay then.”
“Why does everybody have that reaction?”

“I’m sorry to hear that lady died!”
“Yeah, and I was just complaining about her….”

“Yoga is for posers.”
“Well, it’s really–”

“[muffled screaming]”
“Are you not having a good day?”

Or spoken

“Officer J, be advised there is an individual waiting in the lobby for you. Reference to ‘inspection.'”
“….it’s Riders.”
“Oh, I know, it just sounds scarier this way. I just wanna make him jump.”

“My hand to God, I was minding my own business driving down the highway like a normal person–“

Or written…DiStInGuIsH

“However, I was unable to find a class entitled ‘how to distinguish emergencies from non-emergencies.'”

“So S comes rolling up with his oxygen tank and his hospice nurse and some dude in the back seat smoking–“
“That’s a good one. And because it’s a real story, no one’s going to believe it.”

“I hate people.”

“Short answer: haha, no, I really hope not. Longer answer….no. Please, dear God no. Noooo…..that was the entire point of this exercise to not have to.”

“Cats are funky.”

“I thought he was cute there for a second, but then he turned around and he’s like really derpy.”

“Can we get out through this parking lot?”
“Maybe? People have to get out of the Taco Bell somehow….”
“Oh. Nope.”
“No….but look how nice and smooth we’re pulling into the Starbucks driveway…”

not allowed

– to flip off clients’ facilities as I drive past.
– to flip off clients’ houses if I recognize them as I drive past.
– to take the scenic route home in order to flip off clients’ houses, facilities, or cars as I drive past.
– to use the iphone measuring app to measure my supervisor, and pretend I am showing the newbies how to use said app if questioned.
– to add any of the following to my work car: paw print decals, fake eyelashes, fake reindeer noses, the skulls of any living, dead, or imaginary animals, or antlers.
– fake cat ears may not be combined with work uniforms.

Or Spoken: sOmE dRuGs

“I am so nervous. I should probably have taken some drugs.”

“Did you bring the bolt cutters?”

“Are you supposed to smoke in a car when the driver is on oxygen?”
“No you are not.”

“Okay, S, I have one question–”
“Not a day over thirty-nine. [oxygen tube-y grin]”

“Oh man, I feel like celebrating.”
“Yeah, you gonna dance?”
“What are you gonna do?”
“Shower. And drink.”

Overheard: FeTcH

“My dog, when people come into the yard, she’s very on-point with them.”
“Okay, so she is kind of a guard dog.”
“Well, the trouble is, she’s gonna have a ball in her mouth.”

“I was surprised when she fired the manager, ‘cuz they used to be all over the place together, go to the auction together, smuggle baby goats into hotels–“
“You didn’t know they had goats?”

“I was trying to be like, ‘well, at least they aren’t spiders,’ but then I’m like, ‘spiders would actually not be worse.'”

“Burritos are like the perfect food.”

“Oh, wow, look.”
“(gasps) cows!”
“I meant the sunset.”
“(gasps) cows in the sunset!”

Or Spoken:

“The FBI made me a job offer once.”
“Get out of here.”
“No, I’m serious, I have a psychology degree–“
“No, no, I meant, actually, get out my car.”

“See, that’s when Dr. C started walking away.”
“–I was trying not to run, because I was hoping you wouldn’t run, because I didn’t want you to leave me behind!”

“Well, renewal season is coming up, D, so you’re gonna have to strap on–oh God no, uh, I mean strap in, strap in, not strap-on…”

“Hi, I’m Riders, none of the previous jobs I have worked at have ever burned to the ground except one, I have loved every place I have ever worked at.”
“That’s really great to know…”
“What happened to the other one….?”
“I was not involved, I wasn’t even there.”

“That car’s license plate just said ‘mommy.'”
“Oh. Huh.”
“I wonder if her husband’s licence plate says ‘daddy.'”

Or spoken: CaAaAaaT

“I’m gonna give him a minute to put his shirt on.”

“The cat lady I knew got sick, sold all her cats, and died.”
“And in that order, too, which was nice.”

“From the outside, you’d hardly even know she’s a cat lady!”

“Recepticle. Recept…”
” ‘a.’ It’s like tentacle, but different.”

“That is one persistent kitty.”
“He’s got a really big motor, too!”

“Sorry, B, if I scream at you it’s because my computer is–ARGH IT’S STILL DOING IT.”
“Shoot it. Or put it in a bucket of water.”
“You are not helping.”
“Put it in a bucket of water and then shoot it.”

“I don’t know why we have to clean up things for these people who can’t even die properly.”

Or Spoken: MoRnInG

[answering phone] “Good….uh…hm…uhhhh…noon.”
“Hah, I wondered what you were going to come up with!”
“I checked and it was 12:00 exactly, so–”
“As soon as you said it, I wondered to myself what she was gonna say! I’m gonna use that one later.”

“Did you just steal my nice pen?”
“It’s not that nice!”

“Okay, I need to potty and I assume you’re gonna want something to eat.”
“So that’s a yes then.”

[answering phone] “Hellooo?”
“Hyello, good morn–is it still morning?”
“Um….yes it is.”
“Okay. I squeaked that in. G’mornin.'”