Or spoken: dElIcIoUs

“Oh my poor laptop….it’s so hot.”
“Of course, it’s been baking in the sun for an hour and a half.”
“I’m a bad laptop person….but then I’m a bad person in general.”
“Oh my gosh.”

“I need a kitten.”
“No you don’t.”
“I need five kittens.”
“No you do not.”

“Close the gate when you go out, my son’s just got a new solar system installed….Twenty thousand dollars, the last thing we need is the bulls making love to it.”

“I wonder if we can, like, drift over towards the ostriches.”
“We do not need to drift over towards the ostriches. They are big enough from right here.”

“Bye moo-moos! Oh dey so cute!”
“They’re not that cute.”
“They are God’s creatures! And they taste delicious, by the way.”

“We got Starlink internet set up at the barn–”
“I didn’t know it was available in this area.”
“Oh, it’s not.”

Overheard: NiNjAa

“Hey, how’s your day going?”
“A lot better now actually after I scared this guy and he said I was like a ninja…”

“This case went through years of litigation and settled for–that much.”

“So I learned the sexy new term, and it’s ‘tactical retreat.’ It’s not running away with your tail tucked, it’s ‘tactical retreat.‘”

“–and somehow I’m ordering a box of hay off the Internet for like fifty dollars–”

“She’d pick that damn thing up and be like, ‘oh lookit the snake, isn’t it cute,’ and I’d be like ‘you’re sick.‘”

“I don’t know what a bearded dragon is, is it gonna burn my face when it breathes fire?”

or spoken: A discussion (repost)

“Where are you going to get the tobacco leaves?”
“I dunno.”
“Well, where did you get them last time?”
“We, uh, got them from an old guy down the holler’ named Tex.”
“That explains a lot.”

“B, you’ve worked with spiders before?”
“I have done spider sprint speed trials.”
“Not sure why. I can tell you how. You get a PVC half-pipe, and you put your spider in it, and you take a dowel rod, and you go poke-poke-poke-poke.”

“Remember, you are allowed to observe your cat, not experiment on it.”
“Yeah, I can turn her loose and watch her. My sample size is one!”

“Are we allowed to have tobacco on campus?”
“We aren’t going to be smoking it.”
“Yeah, we won’t inhale.”

Or spoken: Attitude

“Three chihuahuas and a teenager, you must have a lot of attitude going on in that house.”

“It looked like the typical Mennonite, Amish place, with the traditional house and the severe overgrazing–”

“I’d drink from the hose but I know where it’s been.”

“She said, ‘don’t let me catch you selling to anyone.’ And I just said, ‘well, you won’t catch me….'”
“Yeah, okay, Charlene.”

“And I’m like, my dude, I know that the printer isn’t supposed to print wirelessly, I just want it to continue doing so.”*
* It isn’t.

Or spoken: a deux

“L and G moved in together. It turns out they had a relationship that was….”
“–a psychotic folie a deux?”
“Yes, precisely.”

“And like all vets, he writes like he’s an axe murderer.”

“Have you seen John Wick 4?”
“It’s pretty good. If you like shooting people and techno music. And people shooting people to techno music.”

Or spoken: checks out

“He was like, we’ll do acupuncture on horses and dogs. But not on cats. And I’m like, that checks out.”

“It’s a little bit more difficult, we’re down from four people to two and a half.”

“Do not ever, ever work with your spouse. […] Oooh, I could just beat him!”
“Don’t do that, not allowed by OSHA.”

“She’s been working with them since she was twenty. And now she’s sixty-five.”
“Y…uh, you just had to tell me that, didn’t you.”
“Yes he did.”

overheard….or spoken: DEworm

“I’m treating myself for parasites so now I worm the shit out of my dogs.”

“What’s Sailer-man up to these days?”
“He’s arguing with people on twitter about the Barbie movie.”

“That is a nice horse picture. But the other girl with the gun should not be there.”
“Also the ginger star should be capitalized.”
“Look, just go to the post.”
“The girl with the gun shouldn’t be pointing a gun at people.”

“Hm, that is not bad. Let’s count some fingers.”

“Look, these are Riders’ dragons. Do you like her dragons?”

“If it continues I might go to a chiroquacktor.”

“Lords of Doom, this is Riders, good afternoon.”
“You sound so professional.”