Movies With Others – Pride & Prejudice 1995 – Get Cultured (repost)

vaxwpk857xbpaeosvkrsfmbokpl[A/N: this is back from my days in the tiger pits. No mothers were involved in the making of this post.]

“Riders, are we gonna get cultured tonight?”
“Yeah!”
“Wait, what are we doing?”
“Getting cultured. We’re watching Pride and Prejudice.”
“And Zombies?”

“A2, come get cultured!”
“….what?”
“We’re watching Pride and Prejudice.”
“But no zombies.”

“It’s kind of creepy that he’s just staring at her. I mean, he was awkward in the other version but this one–”
“Even more awkward.”
“Yeahhh…”

“So…what she just said was, ‘I heard you’re into this guy and I’m gonna tell it to you straight,’ but then she said, ‘you gotta be careful, he’s poor’?”

“He still staring at her?”
“It’s so awkward!”

“The mother isn’t going to be like this the whole movie, is she?”
“Yep.”
“Oh my g*d. I hate her already.”

“I like how the dad is just out of it. He’s so chill.”

“So awkward.”

“Homegirl is sassy! I love it. I like this girl. I hate everyone else, but I like her.”
“Well, what about Jane?”
“Oh, Jane is OK.”
“And what about the dad?”
“Oh, well, sure, I like him too.”
“What about Darcy?”
“Oh, well, I love Colin Firth, so sure. Even though he’s a creepy awkward dude who stares at girls instead of talking to them.”
“Hey, talking to people is hard.”
“…fair.”

“Oh my gosh. Is this the cousin guy?”
“He’s definitely more weasly. And possibly more ratlike.”
“I think he’s less ratlike but more weasly in this one.”
“You guys, he’s creepy!”

“THIS GUY! He’s so creepy!”
“He’s supposed to be like funny in a pathetic way.”
“He’s so creepy, it’s like–it’s like actually making me physically uncomfortable to see him.”

“Ooo, ooh is this gonna be the scene where he finds her in his house? DUDE. I cannot imagine how it would be if I came home and the person I asked to marry me and who turned me down was there IN MY HOUSE.”
“I hope this scene is as good as the other one, because that was deadass hilarious.”

“I feel like I need to read this book.”
“You need to read the book.”

“….so awkward.”

“What did I miss?”
“I wish I could catch you up, but…”
“….culture. You missed getting cultured.”
“Oh. That makes me sad.”

“When are the zombies going to show up?”

Who Would Win? A Unified Theory

Ashok Vadal vs Harry Dresden.
Yikes, I have no idea what would happen here, except that Harry is going to run his mouth and Ashok is going to be suspicious and grumpy. Thing is, I can’t see these guys continuing to fight after they’ve both figured out they’re on the side of the Good Guys. In my opinion, most of these Who Would Win matches end with both parties having a drink and swapping yarns somewhere.

Thera and Murphy…mind you, I’m pretty sure they’d actually get along excellently, but if it’s a matter of either of them seeing their boys in trouble, they’d definitely wade right in. Normally I’d say that Murphy has the definite physical combat advantage (multiple black belts and all, y’know), but if it’s post-Skin Game Murphy with a bad leg, and if Thera can’t throw a knife worth a damn because her hands are messed up, the odds would even out a little bit more.

So, hey, maybe the boys aren’t going to fight at all, maybe they’re just busy dragging their ladies apart…

Harry Dresden vs John Carter, Lord Greystoke.
Are you kidding me? There isn’t going to be a fight. Harry is going to be fanboying so hard he gets caught off guard when the Pelluciderean Neanderthal ninjas get teleported in by the vengeful Therns of Barsoom (who allied with the insane Russian) and a bundle of hired thugs from the south side (probably ghouls in disguise) who tried to jump him earlier and are now aiming to kidnap the womenfolk.

Murphy gets kidnapped on account of being a blonde female in the company of the heroes and thus obviously a damsel.

Murphy has strong opinions about this.

John Carter, Lord Greystoke vs Conan of Cimmeria
Like I said, no matter how this begins, this is only ever going to end with them having a drink somewhere with their respective ladies (whom they have just finished rescuing.) Conan is probably going to pay, because he also pinched the jewels from under the evil altar on the way out.

Ashok Vadal vs Benedict of Amber
Oh, wow. If it did come to a fight, Benedict is going to win hands-down, and the most Ashok is going to do is make him raise a sweat. But realistically, Ashok lucked out in this one, because it’s quite obvious Benedict isn’t there for a fight. Benedict has come back, after an unavoidably long hiatus–

–perhaps he was imprisoned in Chaos; perhaps he was guarding another relation and dared not leave; perhaps an enemy or a jealous lover interfered with the flow of time and kept him for ages past his intent–

–to see how his children fare.

Ramrowan is obviously Benedict.–the greatest strategist, or tactician, or combatant who ever lived, but who has learned the value of peace through his who also realizes the horror of war and the worth of a human life. He’d have some answers for Ashok, and then they’d go off and fight the demons of Chaos together.

Solomon Kane vs Corwin of Amber
Solomon Kane, the solemn, fanatical Puritan avenger, has been on the trail of an evil man like a starving wolf follows the scent of blood. From one end of the world to the other he has been at this cur’s heels, and yet somehow stumbles into an ambush anyway. (This always happens).

Corwin of Amber pauses in his hellride when he sees a half-familiar form in a desperate fight, one man against many, cut and tattered and blooded with many wounds: staunch, undefeated. He turns aside in his journey through Shadow, even though he knows in his heart this can be but the shadow of a man he once knew ages before: in the days before the court of the Sun King fell, in the time when the days were new and the nights bright and deadly.

Kane recounts his tale of woe and vengeance and his mission of Godly vengeance. Corwin rides with him to see it done and fights with him, side by side, one last time.

Kane invites the stranger to stay and ride with him a while, but Corwin demurs. He has a brother to murder and a multiverse to conquer, and, with a courteous salute and a reckless laugh, spurs his horse. And yet the words his once-companion calls after him ring on the wind, strangely to his ears: “What profitteth it a man if he gain the whole world and lose his soul?”

Or spoken: figure out

“Big River!”
“Oooo how big?”
“Not that big.”

“So I have a thing on my blog,  Movies With My Mother, where it’s us watching a movie and me explaining it as we go along–”
“I am going to find your blog and I am going to read that, because it sounds like the funniest thing ever.”
“Ah, uh.” [Riders changes the subject]

“So T–”
“Oh, you know T?”
“Yeah, he used to come around [redacted] all the time with his dogs. I loved his dogs.”
“Yeah, they’re awesome! He’s okay. He’s not as smart as he thinks he is–”
“No he is not.”

“…so yeah, M is not in good health, and her son–”
“–B–”
“Yeah, he’s also–”
“–a goober.”
“…yeah….”

“It’s not rocket surgery.”

“If you ladies can just give me a minute, I need to figure out what to do with these guns.”

OvErHeArD: ReGeRtS

[re: free yardsticks] “Looks like a good whackin’ stick.”
[waggles stick] “They don’t make ’em like they used to!”

“It was a good wedding! There was sippin’ whiskey. I did not sip it.”

“S, what is that?”
“It’s my fake tattoo! It says ‘sip sip hooray,’ but it’s upside down.”
“….”
“NO REGERTS!”

“Did the USDA just get run out of town?”

“Okay guys, bye. I’m gonna go home and adult now.”
“Hey, ‘woohoo!, right?”
“Hah, no, ‘oh no!'”

[someone tried to hand Riders a baby.] “Oh my God look at that face!”

“I’m just gonna sit in this room eating cookies for the rest of the day. That’s what I’m gonna do.”

….or spoken: write this down

“On the bright side, you may get to see two shitshows in one day.”

“Just so you know, N and I are going out to see M on Wednesday….so if you see a mushroom cloud coming from Dodge County way…”

“Wow, he’s an ass.”
“Yeah…..that whole family…E used to date him y’know.”
“E needs better taste in men!”

“Hey, if you’re coming down from the office can you bring me some notebooks and a couple reams of printer paper? And also some pens?”
“Hang on, I’m writing this down. ‘Notebooks….one thousand pages printer paper…'”
“And a big ‘ol handful of pens.”
“…’big handful of pens.'”

“Well hey, the rest of the day may go swimmingly!”
“….one certainly hopes so, Riders.”

kinda is

“….Boots.”

The mud-covered, shuffling figure halted. Swiveled. Blue eyes, entirely too innocently, blinked out of the grime. “Yeah?”

“What happened?”

Another blink, but zero hesitation: “You know that old Indian trick of hanging off the side of your horse so the cowboys can’t shoot you?…it’s harder than it looks.”

Overheard: HIGH STRUNG

“O.K. I will say good-bye now, before I go in and my children are all over me like little shaggy dogs.”

“What is wrong with the Jamaicans? I mean, seriously what is up with them?!”
“I don’t know what is wrong with the Jamaicans….are they trying to marry you off, bro?”

“That is a nice truck, though.”
“That is a very nice truck.”