or spoken: wOoF

“I can’t just have five tons of gravel sitting in my driveway, it’s not being used, it’s an eyesore!….it’s been there for twenty years but–”

“So you don’t use these ones?”
“No, I don’t even go in them. They’re….oh my.”
“….”
“I don’t go in them but the spiders do.”
“…we’ll just let them have it.”
“It’s the spiders’ room now.”

“Oh, you made it!”
“Well, I knocked on the door–”
“–Oh Lord–”
“Yeah, I thought that didn’t sound like a poodle.”

or spoken: snideness

“So, 9:30. Or, I’ll send you a text, because if it’s gonna be hotter than Hades, we might have to get started earlier than that.”

“Aww, one little piggy is being mean to the other little piggy. He’s got the other one up against the wall and is rootin’ on him…”

“Can you check this over for me? I’ve successfully avoided being snide once today already, so…that’s a good thing and I’d like it to continue.”

“You do so enliven my day.”

via messenger

“Riders when you come can you tell me if my cat is fat? Everyone says she’s fat, I don’t think she’s fat.”
“She is kinda fat.”
[ten minutes later]
“Riders I just weighed my cat by the way I love your profile picture, so cuuute, it says she weighs six pounds. Is that fat? I don’t know. How do I turn this off?”
“You can just turn it o–“

Overheard: FoRgOtTeN

“If I don’t get it done, I’ll just continue being the exact same person I am now.”

“It’s hell getting old.”

“Do you remember some of that stuff we talked about last year?”
“I don’t remember what I had for breakfast yesterday, so, probably not.”

“Me and M’s computers both crashed, I mean like within thirty minutes of each other, I blame the Russians but whatever.”

“Hey I can’t complain, I got a new car, smells like Play-doh, but cool.”

“We’re both in banjo-pickin’ land today.”

(repost) Movies with my Mother: Rogue One

rogue_one_2016_intl_original_film_art_f_1200x(Reposted from a time at which the prospect of further degradation to Star Wars still stung.)

“Where is the girl?”
“I dunno.”
“There was a girl. There was! She got out of bed and then what?”
“I dunno.”

“Is this the same guy?”
“I dunno.”
“Why do you think I brought you in here?!”

“What? To the people who were rescuing her?”

“This thing makes my teeth go on edge.”
“Sh.”
“It’s stupid.”
“Shhhh.”

“Is that her mother?”

“Whhhat!? The father?”
“Yes.”
“That’s what they want him to do?”

“Where they going?”
“Jeddha.”
“Which is?”
“Some planet.”
“It must be where they have the Death Star, or, uh, the Alliance people. Somewhere with all these stupid names.”

“I don’t understand what’s going on.”
“Mnmn.”
“You said you looked at it.”
“I skipped.”
“What is going on here?”
“I think he’s a fanatic.”
“Was that a defector?”
“He’s going to kill the guy.”
“Why?”
“Bcause he’s a fanatic.”

“He’s still alive?”
“NO, he’s long dead, he’s CGI.”
“Whhat?”
“They’ve got his voice wrong.”
“Whhhat, he’s fake? He’s really fake?”
“They got his voice so wrong.”
“I’m amazed he’s even there.”
“OH WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THE FAKE CGI LEIA AT THE END.”

“Is this CGI too?”
“Yes.”
“What?”
“Everything is CGI.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Even the people.”

“Why are they having that out?”
“What?”
“The pilot.”
“Who?”
“The pilot who defected. I thought the Alliance had him.”
“No, they’re the Alliance splinter group fanatics.” *{Educated guess.}
“Tch.”

“Who was he really going to if he wasn’t going to them?”
“I dunno.”
“Why don’t you watch the movie, instead of typing, so you can tell me?”

“Who is he?”
“He’s Donnie Yen.”
“Never heard of him.”
“You don’t watch enough kung fu movies.”
“He’s Chinese? He is not Chinese.”
“He is Chinese!”
“Look at him, he is not Chinese.”
“What?”
“He is not Chinese.”
“Him, there, is not Chinese?”
“Not him, there, him, this guy, here.”

“See, kung fu guy.”

“You know what the Imperium would have done if they had known she was a hostage? They’d have gone and rescued her and messed up the alliance cell that was holding her. Or killed her.”

“Wait a minute, everybody’s listening.”
“Yeah.”
“So everybody hears it?”
“Yeah.”
“So it’s not a secret message.”

“He’s lying?”
“I dunno.”

“OH THERE’S NO WAY IT WOULD REACH THAT FAR UP INTO THE ATMOSPHERE!”
“Sh.”

“What’d he say?”
“She’s afraid he’s going to kill her father.”
“Oh, well we know that.”

“What’s this?”
“I dunno.”

“Where did all these folk come from?”
“I dunno. I dunno! The tape skipped!”

“What!? What happened?! How! How did she find him just like that? They gon’ get her!”

“Did he kill him by any chance?”
“No, the rebels killed him, I think. The airstrike killed him.”

“Ok, tell me what’s happened when I come back.”

“Jyn realized that Cassian was planning to kill her father, and she accused him, and he’s denying it….but he admitted that he was going to, and she got mad, and he says she’s a hypocrite for only just now caring about the rebellion now that her father’s dead; and he’s a soldier who has to follow orders.”
“Mhhm.”

“Oh, oh, oh, it’s the bit with Darth Vader come quick. Oh, well, the first bit with Darth Vader.”
“He’s CGI, too?”
“No, he’s real.”
“Is he going to look ugly or something?”
“No, he looks like Darth Vader.”
“He has the thing on his head.”

“Duhnnnn duhhhhh duh na na nah….I didn’t say that.”

“Is he going to kill this man? Why would he need to kill him?”

[“I deserve”]
“Uh oh.”

“He killing him? Why’s he doing that?”
“Cause he’s….I dunno. He’s very annoying.”

“Tsch! That’s what Rogue One is? Tehee.”

“Dude. DUDE. IS THIS GUY EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE THERE? NO HE’S NOT.”

“Who? Who are they talking about?”
“LEIA.”
“Oh. Waitaminute.”

“Ok, they say this half of the movie is a lot better than the other half.”

“Oh my gosh, they coming there?….That’s not them. Uh oh.”

“That was an Unnecessary Combat Roll.
“It was?”

“What are they doing?”
“Setting bombs.”
“Where?”
“Wherever they want.”

“Where were they going before?”

“Uh oh! Look!”
“What, what happened?”
“Look!”
“Oh. Them things.”

“WHY ARE YOU SHOOTING OUT OF THE WINDOWS?!”

[carnival claws for the files, really?]

“What is it with this guy and his cloak?!”
“I do not know.”

“He’s dead? Why wasn’t The Force with him on the way back?”

“Heh. The Force is not with him. Heh. Sorry.”

“WOULDN’T THE OTHER SHIP MOVE?”
“Sh.”
“IT WOULD MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!”
“Hush!”

[THAT DARTH VADER SCENE]
“Who are these? Rebels? Uh oh. Oh my.”

Overheard: driving edition

“I was thinking about selling one of my kidneys–”
“No. You still need those. Keep them.”

“Why couldn’t you drive like this yesterday?”
“I didn’t have any caffeine yesterday.”
“Coffee makes you drive more slowly?”

“Excuse me. Excuse me.”
“I can’t help it, the road curly.”
“Well, you need to be driving curly slow, not curly fast.”

“Hmm…”
“I don’t think you can.”
“No, no, I could….”
“You could, but I don’t think you should.”

Repost: Overheard in class

“Yeah! I used to be all, ‘aww, there’s a cute widdle baby bunny, let’s adopt it.’ Now I’m like, ‘DIE!‘”

“So then I pulled the splinter out with a pair of hoof trimmers and didn’t think about it any more for a while. Yeah, until I got sick.”

“Hi bud!”
“She’s a girl. So she’s a babe, not a bud.”
“Oh. Um. Okay.”
….
{from the next room, ten minutes later}
“Hi there bud! I mean babe. I mean whatever.”

…or spoken….

“–and if you think M’s deal takes a long time–”
“Actually for M, it doesn’t take that long. We go, we count, she glares at us, we leave.”
“Sounds about right.”

“So we’re gonna see R–”
“Oh, R.”
“Oh, you know him, then?”
“I know he’s a dick.”
“…Yeah….”

“J…I knew J. In another lifetime.”
“He’s…”
“–a hot mess.”
“That whole family….”
“–is a hot mess express.”

“So in The Witcher–I don’t think you’ve seen The Witcher–”
“Oh I have watched all of The Witcher. Give me alllll the Henry Cavill shirtless.”