Or spoken: figure out

“Big River!”
“Oooo how big?”
“Not that big.”

“So I have a thing on my blog,  Movies With My Mother, where it’s us watching a movie and me explaining it as we go along–”
“I am going to find your blog and I am going to read that, because it sounds like the funniest thing ever.”
“Ah, uh.” [Riders changes the subject]

“So T–”
“Oh, you know T?”
“Yeah, he used to come around [redacted] all the time with his dogs. I loved his dogs.”
“Yeah, they’re awesome! He’s okay. He’s not as smart as he thinks he is–”
“No he is not.”

“…so yeah, M is not in good health, and her son–”
“Yeah, he’s also–”
“–a goober.”

“It’s not rocket surgery.”

“If you ladies can just give me a minute, I need to figure out what to do with these guns.”

OvErHeArD: ReGeRtS

[re: free yardsticks] “Looks like a good whackin’ stick.”
[waggles stick] “They don’t make ’em like they used to!”

“It was a good wedding! There was sippin’ whiskey. I did not sip it.”

“S, what is that?”
“It’s my fake tattoo! It says ‘sip sip hooray,’ but it’s upside down.”

“Did the USDA just get run out of town?”

“Okay guys, bye. I’m gonna go home and adult now.”
“Hey, ‘woohoo!, right?”
“Hah, no, ‘oh no!'”

[someone tried to hand Riders a baby.] “Oh my God look at that face!”

“I’m just gonna sit in this room eating cookies for the rest of the day. That’s what I’m gonna do.”

….or spoken: write this down

“On the bright side, you may get to see two shitshows in one day.”

“Just so you know, N and I are going out to see M on Wednesday….so if you see a mushroom cloud coming from Dodge County way…”

“Wow, he’s an ass.”
“Yeah…..that whole family…E used to date him y’know.”
“E needs better taste in men!”

“Hey, if you’re coming down from the office can you bring me some notebooks and a couple reams of printer paper? And also some pens?”
“Hang on, I’m writing this down. ‘Notebooks….one thousand pages printer paper…'”
“And a big ‘ol handful of pens.”
“…’big handful of pens.'”

“Well hey, the rest of the day may go swimmingly!”
“….one certainly hopes so, Riders.”

Overheard: ExTrEmE diSpLeAsUrE

“If she’s that smart, why isn’t she rich and why does she work for you?”

“I’m pretty sure if me and Mom ordered you to go to a doctor on pain of extreme displeasure you would go to the doctor.”
“I did go to the doctor!”

“I noticed you were sitting in on that one, not hanging out in the….oh, the whatchamawhoozit. In the lobby.”

“She talked kinda slow, kinda like she was from Arkansas.”

“I have had an exciting day and I haven’t left my kitchen yet.”

“People are so needy.”

Overheard: u mad?

“I hope I ruined her vacation.”

“Okay, see you next year.”
“Well, I hope I don’t see you before next year.”
“I know, me too. Take care.”

[to toddler] “Unlike you, I don’t have any teeth!”

“Oh. My. Gosh. Those roads, are so curvy. You go around one corner, and you can see, your own hind end, coming around the other side!”

“What did she say the name was?”
“I meant the person.”
“Oh. Angela.”

“So….I’ll just sit here for a while and keep honking the horn. Maybe they’ll send someone down to open the gate.”
“I wouldn’t hold my breath. Not for longer than a minute….”

OvErHeArD: hOtTtT

“Has anyone ever tried crossing a German Shepherd with a Poodle?”

“Well, S is–what’s the drug that makes you twitchy?”
“Yeah. She’s on meth.”

“So I’m gonna have to go redo [x.]”
“That would be the honorable thing to do.”

“You only need to hang on to those for two years.”
“Oh! Oh, that’s great.”
“Yeah, have a bonfire!”
“Not now!”

“…yeah, so I was trying to be nice.”
“Well the problem is, Riders, is that no good deed–how do they say? No good deed goes unpunished.”

Overheard: HeLlO

“That’s his wife in England.”
“When she says it like that, it’s not that he has another wife here.”

“Dad can get a senior’s coffee at McDonalds, he just chooses not to.”

“How shady do shade tarps have to be?”

“Good afternoo–wait, it’s still technically morning. Hello.”
“…heheh, hello, Riders.”

“Well, it was just an idea I wanted to float….and see who was gonna set fire to it…”

“Hello! I was actually just thinking something about you!”
“Oh hell no, that’s a bad sign. Oh no. Uh oh.”