the more you know

  • Attaching your car key carabiner to the hole in your shirt is not the next big lifehack. everyone needs to know.
  • Sunglasses are awesome during the day. When your trip itinerary includes at least one hour of after-dark driving, bring regular glasses, too.
  • Plan spontaneous weekend vacations so that you’ll have enough time to rest up from them afterwards….and beforewards.
  • If going somewhere where coffee is not available, bring coffee with you.
  • It doesn’t count if you only thought you were under budget when you bought it.

Miscellany

  • Be professional. Wear pants.
  • No, you cannot sell cookies at the conference.
  • Don’t talk too fast; it prevents the fishy and/or bewildered looks from registering.
  • A silent glare isn’t actually a good sign, but in certain circumstances consider it an honor.
  • Communicate with your coworkers and supervisors sooner rather than later. Especially if you think someone’s going to complain.
  • In this case, it was while getting out of the driveway.
  • Also, read your bloody notes ahead of time.
  • One missed phone call is chance. Twice is coincidence. Four straight to voicemail means they’re definitely running mad.
  • When conversation lags, “What the hell is wrong with people?” is always a good one.

Well…

– I have it on good authority that dirt doesn’t show up on white cars.

– Eh, it’s only a little dusty.

– It depends on the kind of dirt, honestly.

– It’s going to rain tomorrow.

– It rained yesterday and it’ll just get muddy again on the back roads.

– It’s Friday, it’s just going to sit in the driveway and be clean until we go back out again on Monday.

– It’s Monday. It’s just going to get muddy again right away.

– It’s white, it doesn’t really show dirt.

Pardon the french

“One of my official job duties, well y’know, unofficial job duties, is bodyguard. So if you have anyone who gives you trouble, give me a call and I’ll come ride with you.”
“Well, I actually do need some backup. There’s this person at the animal shelter in [redacted]–”
(with zero hesitation) “Oh I fucking hate that bitch.”

Overheard….or spoken on the job

“[…] depends on how advanced the Salem people are going to be.”
“Well, really, it depends on if they’re still burning witches.”
“Hahaha…oh wait: excuse me!”
“It’s kind of a primitive….oh. Oh, uh, no personal comment was meant.”

“….mind you, I can’t imagine anyone trying to set S on fire.”
“Yeah, she’s more of a woodchipper person.”
“She definitely weighs more than a duck, though!”
“Well….not much more than a duck. She’s not that much taller than a duck. You can tell her I said all of this, by the way.”

“One of my goals is to have someone shoot at me on the line of duty.”
“Well, [court case]–”
“I said shoot at, not necessarily die.”

Notes from under the couch

– When removing ice from vehicle windshields, do not use a downward, chipping, striking, chopping motion.

– Snow actually isn’t all that difficult to drive in, if you stay between the ditches.

– There is no such thing as low-intensity HIIT.

– Put the words “I got to ride in a cop truck” at the end of the story you text your family, not the beginning.

– Don’t be snotty to small-town cops, even if you are wearing your official shirt.

– Even if the Animal Control guy was rude first.

– Especially if they’re going to get written up.

Mighty One, We Have Lost Us Another

a19840190000cp01Rush Limbaugh has passed on. He was 70 years old and succumbed to lung cancer, a little over a year after it was diagnosed, and a little over a year after he was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

He didn’t lead troops into battle; he didn’t save the world. All he did was, with unflinching, unfeigned honesty, speak the truth.

“Rush will forever be the greatest of all time,” his wife added. “Rush was an extraordinary man, a gentle giant, brilliant, quick-witted, genuinely kind, extremely generous, passionate, courageous, and the hardest working person I know.”

Breitbart adds a bit of biographical context:

Limbaugh was born on January 12, 1951, in Cape Giradeau, Missouri. As a high school student, he landed his first job in radio at local station KGMO. Limbaugh attended Southeast Missouri State University in 1971 and dropped out after one year to return to the radio business. Limbaugh was first syndicated in 1988. At its peak, The Rush Limbaugh Show reached over 15 million listeners.

For a while, at least three of those listeners were a family working within earshot of the farm truck, working the horses or out in the garden with the radio volume cranked all the way up.

Spare none of the rites. One of the highest has fallen this day.

Overheard on the job

“My pig’s gay. Don’t judge him. He’s happy that way. Don’t judge him.”

“So if you have any questions, anything you want to know that I can help you with, please just give me a call.”
“Oh, girl. I’ma take you up on that. I’ma give you the weekend but come Monday you gonna be hearing that phone go off. You gonna be like, ‘bitch thinks she’s my mother, she keeps texting me.'”

“What’s your favorite food?”

“I ain’t gonna lie to you. I’ve had a stroke, I have short-term memory issues. I can’t keep a lie straight!”

“She can’t lie to us. She has short-term memory issues, she can’t keep a lie straight.”
“Yeah, I heard that.”

“I hope [court case] goes to deposition.”
“That’ll be interesting.”
“I just like goin’ to war with people.”

Thoughts from the road

– Those who say “Pardon my French” are in reality the least likely to be self-consciousness about their swearing. On the other hand, those who apologize for using bad language in more or less those words tend to be a lot better about policing their own speech.

– Pirate a textbook for a student and you help her for a day. Teach a student to pirate textbooks and you help her for the rest of her career. 

– Most yard dogs are calm and friendly, but watch their body language. If there is more than one, pause and watch each of them before you exit your vehicle. 

– Days on which an elaborate lunch is packed either always end early, or run long enough that said lunch is consumed, lukewarm, around dinnertime. 

– Sometimes the fishy look is because I’ve said something questionable, but mostly it’s because people are trying to work out how to tactfully ask what ethnicity I am.