ReReview: Female on the Beach (1955)

025192118982OH MY GOSH LADY CALL THE COPS. (throw him out first). (and before that, make him give you back his key.) (and then, buy a gun.) OH MY GOSH. This isn’t going to end well.
EFF OFF, YOU CREEPY LITTLE F*CKER!

Although it’s no wonder he’s got an inflated opinion of himself, if he knows he’s able to drive women to attempted murder-suicide and this isn’t even a chick he slept with….this really isn’t going to end well.

Ladies, when you are talking to a creepy little f*cker, even if he’s managing to be less creepy and explain himself, DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR BEING QUOTE RUDE UNQUOTE. Especially when he’s explaining to you that he’s a gigolo who is chasing you for your money and oh yes he was involved with the previous tenant, who, BY THE WAY, fell to her death mysteriously FROM YOUR BALCONY. Two days ago. I mean, seriously, they haven’t even fixed the railing yet, good grief!

(This isn’t going to end well.)

Zing! I like this detective. He’s going to be the guy who picks up all the pieces afterwards, isn’t he? (Unless he’s the AKTUAL MURDERER, but I doubt that.)

EFF OFF YOU CREEPY LITTLE F*CKER! AND TAKE YOUR PUSHERS WITH YOU…oh good, she sent them packing. BUT NOT HIM, SHEESH LADY. Oh, this isn’t going to end well….Oh. Kay. Riiiiiiiiiiiight.

Getting zinged by the cleaning lady: you ain’t doing well.

Lady, that’s just embarassing. All that? At your age?

OKAY, the detective is definitely smelling fishy, and it isn’t because of the shark hook.

Okay, we have now progressed to a) romantic bridal carrying, b) the detectives now have binoculars. What the heck is up with this movie?

You pimps are annoying.

I’m on Team Detective….

This scene in its native tongue:
– Meow grr hiss.
– Meow?
– Hissss
– Meow, mew, mew, licks paw.
– HISS! HISSSS YOWL GRRRR! YOWL!
– licks paw, cleans ear, licks paw again: mew?
Hissssss, flicks tail, leaves, tail still flicking.
As entertaining as that was, in hindsight, it’s kind of obvious that the writers didn’t actually know how to end this script and were fishing around for an actual villain.

AGGH GROSS IT’S A KISSING SCENE FAST FORWARD IT ewww!

Ugh you pimps are really annoying. Ahaha. Gosh. That guy’s even more of an obvious loser than Drummond is.

Okay, explain to me how you managed to knock him all the way to the floor with one slap? He’s a foot taller than you and made of stacked muscle. Seriously? You also gave him a concussion??

Gah, I really hate you catty lady. Oh no! She switched them! She set them up it was her doing OH MY GOSH!

Oh, and the detective is watching.

(Oh whew she’s okay. ((How did she make it out the water without even getting her hair wet?)))

Ugh gross it’s another kissing scene.

Well, that was underwhelming. I expected someone was going to die.

Rated: it’s a romance, we’ll be generous. 3/5 stars.

Escape Me Never (1947) – Movie Review

Errol Flynn is staring to your left. Don’t look now…

There are usually two reasons that old movies by great stars are forgotten: one, that they were good but simply overshone by the famous ones that made said stars, stars; or two, that they weren’t all that good to begin with. (Or, three, copyright miscellany screws up the distribution and they get overlooked or forgotten.)

In any case, this is an example of the second kind: while it features powerhouse stars (Ida Lupino, Errol Flynn, and Eleanor Parker), has a sweeping Korngold score (his last), exhibits a fine stable of characters with a more than adequate melodramatic concept…it isn’t all that good.

Plot: Gig Young is Caryl Dubrok, a penniless young musician/composer who is courting the wealthy and well-off Fenella–Eleanor Parker. Although she insists on getting married ASAP and he agrees to make a stab at holding down a steady job, this plan is promptly derailed by the appearance of Gemma (Ida Lupino), who claims to be a) a single mother, b) living with a man c) named Dubrok. Fenella promptly breaks the engagement and storms off.

Turns out, however, that while Gemma is rooming with a Dubrok, it’s the older and even more penniless and feckless brother Sebastian, not Caryl. The three (and baby Piccolo…what a ridiculous name for a baby. I mean, it’s fine as a nickname but they only ever refer to him by it and it only gets more grating with repetition) set out to find Fenella and explain.

Unfortunately, Sebastian bumps into Fenella without knowing who she is and promptly makes the moves. And while between Gemma strong-arming Sebastian into backing off (and marrying her) and Caryl grovelling with great success, he and Fenella finally get back together, feelings and tensions remain…intense…and unsatisfied.

And, y’know, the plot-slash-everybody’s-feelings only get more involved and intense from there on, but you’ve probably been adequately warned by now.

It has a happy ending, though.

The good part is that Lupino and Flynn were powerhouse stars for a reason, and even without A+ material to work on, make you believe that you’re watching deathless drama and hearing passionate, poetic, deathless prose. The fact that you aren’t tends to creep back in whenever anyone else is on screen, although Gig Young and Eleanor Parker also do their best and aren’t anywhere near bad. However, (here’s the bad part): a large chunk of the problem is that at least 50% of the characters aren’t that intrisically likeable, either. So…whichever way you turn, this movie has got problems.

Overall: it’s one of those that got gently shoved down the memory-hole not so much because it was abjectly terrible but just because it wasn’t very good.

Rated: Escape or not, it won’t hurt.

Movie Review – Female on the Beach – 1955

025192118982OH MY GOSH LADY CALL THE COPS. (throw him out first). (and before that, make him give you back his key.) (and then, buy a gun.) OH MY GOSH. This isn’t going to end well.
EFF OFF, YOU CREEPY LITTLE F*CKER!
Although it’s no wonder he’s got an inflated opinion of himself, if he knows he’s able to drive women to attempted murder-suicide and this isn’t even a chick he slept with….this really isn’t going to end well.
Ladies, when you are talking to a creepy little f*cker, even if he’s managing to be less creepy and explain himself, DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR BEING QUOTE RUDE UNQUOTE. Especially when he’s explaining to you that he’s a gigolo who is chasing you for your money and oh yes he was involved with the previous tenant, who, BY THE WAY, fell to her death mysteriously FROM YOUR BALCONY. Two days ago. I mean, seriously, they haven’t even fixed the railing yet, good grief!
(This isn’t going to end well.)
Zing! I like this detective. He’s going to be the guy who picks up all the pieces afterwards, isn’t he? (Unless he’s the AKCTUAL MURDERER, but I doubt that.)
EFF OFF YOU CREEPY LITTLE F*CKER! AND TAKE YOUR PUSHERS WITH YOU…oh good, she sent them packing. BUT NOT HIM, SHEESH LADY. Oh, this isn’t going to end well….Oh. Kay. Riiiiiiiiiiiight.
Getting zinged by the cleaning lady: you ain’t doing well.
Lady, that’s just embarassing. All that? At your age?
OKAY, the detective is definitely smelling fishy, and it isn’t because of the shark hook.
Okay, we have now progressed to a) romantic bridal carrying, b) the detectives now have binoculars. What the heck is up with this movie?
You pimps are annoying.
I’m on Team Detective….
This scene in its native tongue:
– Meow grr hiss.
– Meow?
– Hissss
– Meow, meow, mew, licks paw.
– HISS! HISSSS YOWL GRRRR! YOWL!
– licks paw, cleans ear, licks paw again: mew?
Hissssss, flicks tail, leaves, tail still flicking.
As entertaining as that was, in hindsight, it’s kind of obvious that the writers didn’t actually know how to end this script and were fishing around for an actual villain.
AGGH GROSS IT’S A KISSING SCENE FAST FORWARD IT MOM Eww!
Ugh you pimps are really annoying. Ahaha. Gosh. That guy’s even more of an obvious loser than Drummond is.
Okay, explain to me how you managed to knock him all the way to the floor with one slap? He’s a foot taller than you and made of stacked muscle. Seriously? You also gave him a concussion?
Gah, I really hate you catty lady. Oh no! She switched them! She set them up it was her doing OH MY GOSH!
Oh, and the detective is watching.
(Oh whew she’s okay. ((How did she make it out the water without even getting her hair wet?)))
Ugh gross it’s another kissing scene.
Well, that was underwhelming. I was expecting someone was going to die.

Rated: it’s a romance, we’ll be generous. 4.1/5 stars.