Half the battle

“Do you want to watch Shang-Chi?”
“What is that?”
“That’s the new Marvel movie.”
“Is Shang-Chi some Chinese person?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t wanna watch that. Is there a new Avengers movie?”
“No, they’re all dead.”
“What?”
“They all got killed off so they could bring in new characters like Shang-chi.”

“Does anybody want to watch Ninja?”
“No.”

“Does anybody want to watch Ninja 2: Shadow of a Tear?”
“No.”
“We didn’t go for Ninja 1, she trying to sell us Ninja 2!”
“….Batman Ninja…?”
“No.”

“Can we see Frozen 2?”
“No.”
“No.”

“Your uncle is not a movie person. You know what he likes? Hallmark movies.”
“Dune is kind of like a Hallmark movie….”

“Can I see something like Legally Blonde?”

“L, do you know Audie Murphy?”
“Uh-huh. He is a cowboy actor. Oooold-time.”
“Audi….”
“Audie.”
“Audi.”
“Audie! He’s not a car, he’s a person.”

“You know what is a good movie is? House of 1000 Corpses.”
“I have Ninja Assassin…..”

“What is Blade Runner about? Is that about ice skating?”
“She’s writing that stupid question you asked down, look.”

“The Matrix! You haven’t seen The Matrix.”
“I haven’t? Is it like Terminator?”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“It’s like a Hallmark movie.”
“Riders, stop.”

“You know what I like? Always In My Heart.”
“What is that?”
“It’s like an old Hallmark. 1950s.”
“Does it have action?”
“It’s like an old Hallmark movie. It’s very sweet.”
“Does it have ninjas?”
“It’s sweet.”
“Does it have cowboys?”
“It’s sweet.”
“Does it have terminators?”
“….It has all of them.”
“Oh.”
“Do you have it?”
“No.”

“This is Always In My Heart?”
“Yes.”
“It is?”
“D, you are giving her such good lines.”

Movies With My Mother – The Phantom (1996)

“What kind of movie is this? What are they looking for?”
“I dunno.”
“Can you just give me an outline? What are they looking for?”
“Treasure.”
“….I could have figured that out myself.”

“This is like that movie with Harrison. Who stole from who? They steal from Indiana?”
“Yes.”
“Blatantly?!”

“Who is that?”

“Oh look! right behind there! Did he get away? Did he get away with that little head thing?”

“This is so like that Harrison movie. Or was it Lara?”

“And what’s with the purple outfit?”

“Uh oh. Uh oh! Oh this is too much.”

“….This is like Batman!”

“Oh that’s a shame. The whole bridge is gone.”
“But the kid’s OK.”
“Hmm.”

“So what happened to that skull?”
“The other guys got it.”

“I know him. I don’t care for him. He was a bad man in another movie…”

“What’s with the hair, look, check the hair out!”

“Is there a book to this?”
“Probably?”

“Look at him, it’s Anthony…is it?”
“…Oh yeah,  it is….”
“Anthony…”
“Anthony Quinn! Wow, look at him!”
“Yes! I was thinking Anthony Quayle. It is him! Quinn.”

“Look, look! He already got the mayor and the police chief!”

“Ooooh what’s he goin’ do with him? Is he goin’ mess with his eyes?…Ohmigosh!”

“Who is this?”
“A bad guy.”
“A bad girl! Bad girls!”
“Hey, it’s Catherine Zeta-Jones!”
“What.”

“Stop the thing! I just got it. Stop it! I just got it! I just got it! I just got it! Diana Palmer! That rings a bell! It’s The Phantom! The Phantom from the comic strip! Oh, I just remembered it when I heard her name! He was purple? I remember it being black and white! Oh my gosh!”

“Who is this guy, by the way?”

“I don’t remember The Phantom being…I barely remember it. This is from when I was ten years old!”

“Why he taking the child with him? He’s putting the child in danger. He is! He’s going to go rescue someone, he’ll be in danger!”
…
“OK, he’ll hold the horse. Hopefully.”
“No, he’s sending him home.”
“Good. Hopefully he is smart enough to go home!”

“Did The Phantom have a dog? The dog is his scout?”

“How did the horse know where to go?”
“The dog told it.”
“Of course.”

“How come they…oh. Because they shot at the thing.”

“Oh no. That plane gonna go into a mountain?”
“Yep.”
“Why?”
“They always do.”
“And blow up?”
“They always do.”

“Why is that stupid horse going so fast?”

“What did they just see? Who are these people?”
“Bad guyssss.”
“Did he just throw that man out?”
“Yes.”

“What, did she get shot or something? All of a sudden she tired?”
“It’s the adrenaline dump.”

“I just don’t remember anything about The Phantom. Just that I used to watch it. And I used to read it for a little while. It was a comic book. Way back.”

“What’s all this?”
“Treasure.”
“Where did he get it?”
“It’s a secret hidden temple. They always have treasure in secret hidden temples.”
“And they are in the secret hidden temple? And he just gives her a string of pearls? To remember him by? Just like that?”

“That is such a stupid costume.”
“Yeah.”

“Oh he’s signing his own obituary. His death thing.”

“See him? He back there is a traitor! He’s working for them! See!”

“This fool gon’ break the glass?! Oh! How did he get there so fast? Ooooh, someone told him!! That guy told him! Look!”

“Ooooh, look look, what’s happening, Riders?”

“Oh, he brought the skull together, you’re not supposed to bring them together! They do something when they’re together. They’re pointing to the third skull, look!”

“I don’t know that girl’s face. She have a face like she could be a thousand girls.”

“He has to put more oomph into when he hits them so they stay down!”

“What is his power actually?”
“He’s got some guns.”
“What is The Phantom’s power?”
“Apparently to have guns and wear purple.”

“I don’t wanna see this. This is violence! How did he get out?”
“He jumped out.”
“So everybody can see him? Oh and the police will be after him!”

“Oh that’s pretty cool.”
“It’s what he used to in the jungle!”

“The Phantom. Gosh, if I could remember anything except ‘The Phantom.’”

“You mean this fool couldn’t get away without them seeing?”

“So what did that girl say?”
“She knows who he is.”
“Who who is?”
“The Phantom.”
“Oh. But Diana didn’t know.”
“Diana does know.”
“How did she know?”
“HIS MASK DOESN’T EVEN COVER HIS FACE AND HIS VOICE IS THE SAME. SHE’S NOT AS DUMB AS LOIS LANE MOM.”

“How did he get up on the plane?”

“Ohhhh, look, it’s creepy! They don’t know where they going, but they’re going? Oh look at him, look at his mouth, heh heh heh. He’s scared. Look, they really are going in somewhere.”

“Amazing. They knew exactly where to go.”

“Who are these people? How did they get there?”
“They been guarding it all along.”
“Why?”
“It’s a sacred hidden temple, you always have people guarding sacred hidden temples.”

“What was that? You weren’t looking. What was that?”
“What did it look like?”
“Looked like something going under the bridge. It looked like a critter.”
“Then it was a critter going under the bridge.”

“Your dad says I would be scared of Dune because there are worms. Worrrrrrrms.”

“Say that again!”
“Things going under the bridge?”
“No, before that. You said something and it was funny.”
“…”

“How he don’t know the man won’t just beat him up and take both skulls?…Uh oh.”

“Oh, he gon’ die.”

“Uh oh! Look! Look!….Awwww, again?”

[due to a stuck FF button, we missed about five minutes of the climax]

“…Star Wars.”

“Seriously?!”
“So all that destroyed him? And the fire is from that….?”
“The skulls…I dunno, they reacted with the other skull?”
“What other skull?”
“The skull on his ring was the fourth skull.”
“Oh.”

“Wasn’t bad at all!”

Movies with My Mother and Aunt and Uncles) – Maverick (1994)

REPOST REVIEW

“You’re taking notes? On what?”

“Something’s gonna crawl out of that bag…I guess.”
“Oh, it’s a snake.”
“OH. MY. GOSH.”
“Awww, lookit the li’l snake.”

“OK, I’m liking the scenery.”

“Mel Gibson? Thirty years ago? Ten years ago?”
“Thirty.”
“The man is old now!”
“He is not old…”

“Teehee, he’s on the donkey?”
“I’m surprised it’s going where he wants it to go.”
“Oh, it went.”

“He gave THEM the dollar?”
“And the mule.”

“Jody?”
“Yep.”

“They’re watching all the money he’s bringing.”
“A whole bunch of crooks.”
“I wonder when the hour is up, what then?…Ooo, she’s giving signs. Look, she’s giving signs.”

“Uh oh…uh oh….UH OH!” (my aunt).

“Is that the guy?”
“John Wesley Hardin?”
“What did he say his name was/”
“Maverick.”
“No, the gun guy.’
“Johnny.”
“Oh, it was him.”

“Uh oh!” (my mother)

“Should we–you should tell them what happens!”
“No.”
“No.”
“No!”

“Why did he tell the boys they could shoot him?”
“Cause he didn’t like getting beat up.”
“But the whole thing was staged!”
“NNnnghph!”
“SORRY. Was that part of it?”
“…Yes.”

“Jody’s in love!”
“….but…”
“I thought she was married?”

“Ok, that was something. She got him already?”
” ‘May I’…what?”

“She’s so good.”
“Jody Foster is so good!”

“She took his wallet again!”

“Uh oh!”
“A real bank robbery! Heh!”

“He had a thousand!”
…
“He took the dollar!”

“Crook!”
“They gave him more?”
“Probably. Here’s your 17, 30, 8…”
“He ripped them off!”

“Uh oh!” (my uncle).

“The thief and the old guy! Did you hear that? This is funny!”

“Oh boy.” (my mother).

“Uh oh.” (my aunt.)
“He’s dead!”

“For real-for real?”

“She in his wallet again!”

“…that saved a wretch like me?”
“Are you singing?”
“No.”
“No.”

“Rrr! Heheheh.”

“Bet you a dollar she’s stealing.”

“That is SO DUMB.”

“She took it? She stole the money?!”

“Did he call the horse Ollie?”

“Is that the same guy?”

“James Coburn! That’s James Coburn!”
“Oh! That’s him, I couldn’t remember his name!”

“That’s Denver Pyle.”
“Whoever that is.”
“…he was Uncle Jesse on Dukes of Hazzard?”
“He’s gonna jump!”

“He’s all outa money.”
” ‘But I was so close!’ ”

“This thing is a setup.”
“Which thing?”
“What?”
“Which thing?”
“This thing. This whole thing.”
“….why would you say that.”
“It’s a setup.”

“What’s she want from him now?…oh.”
….
“He’s as bad as she is, he’s hiding his stuff.”
“She’s just gonna reach over and take it. With her skinny hands.”

“Uh oh.”

“That was Waylon Jennings!”
“Who?”
“The singer!”
“But who?”
“The guy they just threw overboard, who is a singer who was just singing the song just now!”

“Who did that?”
“Either her or James Coburn. James Coburn looks like a crook.”

“Four more bongs…one…”

“Uh oh!”
“HEY!”
“Is that the dealer cheating?”
“The dealer is dealing for the Indian-looking guy.”
“He’s dealing off the bottom.”

“A full house?”
“Looks like.”

“UH OH!”
“CHEATER!”

“With your Pappy nonsense again? Pappy says it’s an ace!”

“Look at those big blues…”

“He tricked him!”

“All these people supposed to have no guns, where’d that gun come from? Everybody’s got guns!”

“Uh oh!” (my aunt.)
“Uh oh!” (my mother.)

“It’s a little put-put boat!”

“Uh oh!”

“Something’s behind all this, I know it.”
“It’s her and James Coburn!”

“It’s a shame those dresses don’t come back in our time period.”
“They too much.”
“They’re beautiful!”

“He’s counting the money?”

“TOLD YOU!”

“OH. MY. GOSH.”

“The man won the money fair and square! Why you gonna take it from him?”

“Uh oh.”
“Gonna drown him?”

“What! What! Oh my gosh!”
“That’s his FATHER?”
“Did you see that?”

“Uh oh!”

“OH MY GOSH IT”S THE GIRL!”

Movies with my Mother – Hail Caesar (2016)

[A/n: This is a repost from 2017 session. As of this week in 2021, we got half-way through Goliyon Ki Rasleela Ram-Leela and both tapped out.]

“He’s a bounty hunter?”
“Nnnno.”

“Ok, ok, who is he?”
“He’s the fixer guy. So, his job is to go run down the stars when they go on a bender, or get married in Mexico, or get into an illicit postcard situation or something.”

“Who is she?”

“What’s going on here?”

“Why are they hitting them? They’re moving, aren’t they?”
“It’s what you do to slaves.”
“And where did Eddie come into this?”

“Why would he stand up….this is the promising guy?….OH PLEASE…he’s being shot at? Oh no!”

“Apparently that guy is going to be playing Harrison Ford in the young Han Solo movie.”
“Is he? Han Solo….Han Solo…Han Solo….who is he?”

“What?…oh, he’s Jewish.”

“Is this a modern thing? When was it made?”
“Last year.”
“Huh.”

“Why did they kidnap him? Tell me the reason.”
“They’re secretly marxists and they want to indoctrinate him in marxist doctrine.”
“How?”
“Because he’s dumb as a plank.”
“Why?”
“So he can spread marxist propaganda like they used to accuse people of doing.”

“What is this in aid of?'”
“They used to have musical numbers, remember?”
“Yes, I remember Esther Williams–this is like her.”
“This is like a parody of her.”
“Why are they making it a parody?”
“Well, it’s more like a homage.”

“Is that Joanna Scarlett?”

“What’s this?”
“They’re trying to switch him over from being a cowboy actor to being a serious drama actor.”
“I see that.”

“If this is modern, what’s the deal with the hair?”
“What’s the deal with the hair?”

“….Huh. What….why are they wanting him when he can’t do it?”

“He’s not giving good directions, what is this! Foolishness!…do I have to look at this?”

“Why is he talking like that?”
“Because he’s Texan. Also because he has dentures.”

“It’s a stupid line, anyway.”
“He is a stupid man!”

“Who are they all?”
“They’re a secret cabal of communist writers.”
“Oh, they put the little propaganda in their scripts?”
“Yes.”
“Oh. Just like liberals today.”
“Yeah.”
“Do not write that down! Your audience will be mad at you!”

“Why do they want money?”
“Because…I dunno. Dirty communists…”

“No what?”
“No gams.”

“I know his face.”
“He doesn’t have a face, he’s just a slab of meat.”
“Him!”
“Channing Tatum.”

“Oh, that’s cute.”

“What was that?”
“The pregnant Esther Williams girl, he’s the father, but he’s already married.”

“Oh, so they just want some money? Some profit?”

“No faces?”
“This is just the opening credits.”

“Oh my what happened to her!?”

“Oh that’s good! The fools should have changed it from the beginning! What a line….This is boring!”
“You just said you liked it!”
“It’s boring….who is Caesar?”

“Lips and the hips and the what?”

“Why haven’t they released that man?”
“Because they still haven’t got the money. It’s still on its way to them!”

“The two columnists are like the two sisters who–what! Is he one of them!?”

“Well, it shows all actors to be kinda stupid.”
“Well, it’s ’cause they are.”
“Argh.”

“What movie is this?”
“Huh….Well, I guess he’s Washington crossing the Delaware.”

“What is this now?”
“The submarine’s going to pick him up.”
“The what….that’s good. That’s nice. Submarine, yeah.”

“Oh no!”

“Who does he represent? I mean, who is he, who went to the others?”

“Who was her source?”
“Him who went on the submarine.”

“Twenty-seven hours?”

“See, that was a good movie!”
“No, it wasn’t.”

[also: MwmM for Maverick 1994? She refused to watch it until I put the notebook away.]

Twins of Evil (1971) – Attempted Watch Party

“So Riders, what are we watching?”
“Okay, so, there’s this movie about this man, who is a man of God and he smites evil.”
“Sounds good!”
“And then his nieces show up and he ends up driving them to evil and then he regrets it.”
“Still sounds good….let’s start it!”
“Why are you grinning like that, Riders?”

“Is this old-timey kind of movie?”
“Yes.”
“I mean, is it set in old times, or does it have old actors?”
“….yes.”

“Puritan?”
“I guess.”
“Puritan, right?”
“Yeah, but they have crucifixes and they make the sign of the cross. I think the filmmakers just got confused.”

“Just like that?! Just like that they burning her?”
“Was it like that really?”
“Yes. Unfortunately, in America they did have vigilantes, and they did go around and accuse people and they did burn witches.”
“This isn’t America.”
“….what?”

“Are those real twins?”

“I saw a black man.”

“So who is this man? Him who is fooling around with the girl? Is he a Puritan, too?”
“NO!”
“He is in black and white, too, look.”
“That’s ’cause he’s in his underwear!”
“Oh.”
“That’s a lot of underwear.”

“Oh! They are going to become bad girls. So thus they are twins of evil. I get it now, ahhh.”

“OHHHH HE BETTER NOT GO IN THERE WITH THEM!…phew! He evil, man! He’s the one who needs to be burned at the stake.”
“Well, he’s trying to smite evil.”
“HE EVIL.”

“I mean…I’d personally not be all that fired up about pleasures beyond the grave.”

“He gon’ kill her?”
“….”
“He gon’ kill her? Riders. Put the other one on”
“Yes, Riders what is that other one you said with the soldier who has to rescue his daughter?”
“Aww you guys, we didn’t even get to the bit with the vampires yet!”
“There are vampires in this movie?”

Ride Lonesome (1959) – Movies With My Mother (repost review)

“He’s a bounty hunter?–I got no use for bounty hunters. He’s like a mercenary!”

“What are all these other saddles?”

“What! What is he doing!?”
“He’s dead.”

“But Indians don’t come out at night.”
“What?”
“They should leave now!”
“No, if they leave now, the Indians will get them when they’re out in the open at night.”
“But Indians don’t come out at night! Or is it in the day that Indians don’t come out…”
“They can’t leave now.”
“Why not?”
“Indians!”
“…”
“…”

“Who’s he? This guy.”
“That’s James Coburn.”
“What! He! He is very young! What is he in the movie?”
“He’s the dumb sidekick.”
“….he was very young.”

“Why is this fool going out at night! There could be Indians! Yes! It could be them making that noise and you can’t tell! They do, you know!”

“Still, she could have held it together.”
“Hmmmm.”

“Who are they? Mescaleros again? They don’t want to talk this time?…they might not even give a horse this time.”

“Ooof, that guy looked like the horse came down on him.”

“They went away? Too many of them dead?”

“To get a what?”
“A woman.”
“No, he said something else. To–”
“Get a woman.”
“No, he said something else before that.”
“To get his hands on a woman.”
“There no Indian women?”
“She’s blonde.”
“If there was dye, back then, people could dye their hair!”

“Why don’t they build a fire?”
“Indians.”
“They could build a smokeless fire.” [The Mother of Skaith has also read her Louis L’Amour.]

“Amnesty? They had amnesty for killers?…haha, maybe he got the wrong word it’s some other word.”

“What’s with the feather in his hat? What kind of foolishness is this? Is this to tell us something about his character? I’ve never seen anybody like that. Psssht!”

“What! If the leg is broken, I thought you can’t do nothing for the horse!”
“It’s not broken, it’s just hurt. He doesn’t want to stand up, because it’s hurt, so he just wants to lie there and he thinks he’s dying.”
“Oh.”
…
“Maybe they just need to rub the leg. And put comfrey on it.”
“They don’t have comfrey, Mom.”
“They can find comfrey!”
“…”

“What’s he doing? He’s fixing to do something. What’s he doing?”
“He’s moving to go get that gun over there.”
“Oh. Why?”

“He should not have done that! Even if he lied, he should not have proven that he lied! Now no one will believe him, even when he’s not talking about guns! What did he prove!?”
“Billy is a coward, though. That’s why it worked.”
“It doesn’t matter that the boy is a coward! You should not lie to him!”

“That’s Lee van Cleef!”

“What’s she doing?”
“She’s doing her hair.”

“What’s that?”
“A tree.”
“Yes, but what–oh, it’s a hanging tree? What is the point of a hanging tree? I didn’t hear what he just said, what did he say?”
“He said, Brigade used to hang people from it.”

“Shoot ‘im!”

“There are very few platinum blondes like her, you know.”
“Probably not natural.”
“That’s what I said, they’re rare.”

“So he gon’ tell her, fool, and she’s gon’ tell him! Not very bright!”

“…Oh, you mean she’s not a natural blonde. Probably.”

“Why would he hang her!”
“He was young and getting revenge.”
“But why would he hang the man’s wife! That’s not revenge, she’s not the man!”
“He wanted to hurt him, that’s why he went after her.”
“But he didn’t need to do that!”
“But he did it because he was bad.”
“Oh, he is a bad man.”
“Yes, Mom.”

“Is he joshing him?”
“No.”
“He’s gon’ make him a partner and he’s a half-wit?”
“He’s a good guy!”
“–and a half-wit!”

“Does Coburn get killed?”
“No.”
“Oh. I’d be sorry to have that.”

“Is that a threat? Not a threat…a…what’d you call that?”

“What are they looking at?”
“Smoke.”
“What is the smoke for?”
…
“Oh, he’s burning the tree? Why?”

“See, I told you it was a good movie!”
“Mm.”
“And you didn’t even want to watch it!”
“It was five out of ten.”
“You are mistaken, it was nine out of ten.”
“…”
“…”

Movies With My Mother – The Gambler From Nachez

(Also my Auntie P)

“He’s in uniform, where’s his regiment?”
“He was disbanded….sent home.”
“Why can’t he put on civilian clothes? Or any clothes?”

“Is he the gambler?”
“No, he’s the gambler’s son.”

“He should have known that was coming. Shouldn’t grab someone and push him.”
“What, did he hit first?…he didn’t turn the other cheek.”

“He looks like Burt Lancaster right there.”
“That is not Burt Lancaster.”
“Yes, but he looks like Burt Lancaster.”
“Not really.”
“A little.”
“He don’t look like Burt Lancaster.”

“Unless what?”
“Unless she’s married to him.”
“And then she said, I’ll wait.”
“Tehee!”

[“K, that jacket’s real smart-looking, put it on. Let’s see it!”
“It’s not ironed yet.”]

“Ohhh, women rivalry now. The sophisticated and then the boat girl.”
“Who is this girl?”
“Madame Somebody Sophisticated.”

“Is her umbrella going up or down? ’cause I can’t tell.”

“I dunno who did her lipstick, it looks terrible.”

“That upside down umbrella ain’t gonna do her a lick of good.”

“Remember that, a lady does not allow the situation to get beyond her control. Good wisdom!”

“They going ‘oh,’ she going ‘ah,’ I dunno what they’re talking about.”

“What’s the name of this movie? The night of the who?”

“He’s gonna get infected, he’s crawling through the swamp with a knife wound!”

[“Never trust anything you buy in the Philippines! Look at this!”
“Are you still ironing that jacket?”
“I may have to send it to the cleaners.”]

“He’s not gonna be like Tarzan, take a reed and go underwater?”

“He didn’t even give him a chance. ‘Hello.’ Wham!”

“Good night, this man is more than heavy set. Good night. He’s huge.”

“Oh look at her green eye makeup….and she just dove into the water and got out. Got her makeup done already!”

“The other one scorning him because his father was a gambler, she’s in love with him because he’s a gambler….oh the irony.”

“Oh, she’s got false eyelashes…green eyeshadow…red lips…bare shoulders…her skirt got a split in the middle….all she needs is a shimmy.”

“Oh no they DO NOT have a naked person in a statue in the middle of town.”
“What?”
“They have a statue of a naked person in the middle of town. ’cause they French.”

[“Are you still ironing that jacket after thirty minutes?! K. Put it down. Put it down, now! You know if that had been your husband’s shirt it’d have been on the floor long ago. You’re obsessed with that shirt! How much did it cost, 3 dollars?’
“SIX!”]

“What’s he going to do, gamble them out of their money?”

[“I should say, I paid, ‘three thousand pesos’ for that thing.”
“Which is what, six dollars?”
“Which is a lot of money!”
“What is one million pesos, one hundred dollars?”]

” ‘My father was only a customer, you have no friends.’ What does that mean?”
“Means he would sell him out if he was paid, and he was paid, and he did sell him out.”

“Oh lord, don’t tell me they gon’ come kill this man!”

“They’re looking at her like she’s a skank.”

“Never known a woman who what?”
“Looked good in the morning.”

“Now, she is gonna be a fool if she doesn’t know her brother any better than that.”

(Gasp!) “They murdered him! And they’re gonna say he did it! Because he’s right down the hall.”
“How are they getting him in there?!”
“Through  the balcony. And then they’re gonna put the knife on him, so they can say he did it. It’s so easy to figure out.”

“Now, he gave the knife to the sister, knowing she was going to give the knife to him, and that they took the man and were probably going to kill him. He ought to know they’re going to set him up!”

“….that’s the one you said was going to fall off the building, Riders?”

“Hee, saying I don’ want no kissy kiss on my forehead.”

“Where did dueling come from, the French or the British?”

“What’d she say?”
“She said, I’m gonna marry you pretty soon, you just wait.”
“She staked her claim!”

“She’s what?”
“Pale and skinny.”
“Teehee. She pale and skinny. That’s a good one.”

“She bit her?!”

“That is foolish, you know. To gamble away a boat! Foolish!”

“Who let her out of the pen?”

“Course, when he wins, someone is going to stand up and try to shoot the other person. Bam. You can tell what’s going to happen.”

“So whoever wins gets both? The boat and the farm? Why would he do that!?”

“Now he’s gonna pull out the gun.”

“There he goes….oh, he got a sword.”

“He’s lost everything, now he’s going to lose his life.”
“He’s trying to go out in honor….which is dishonor in his case.”

“Now, the women are just watching….including us.”

“It sounds like pots in the kitchen. Bang bang bang!”

“Now give that woman back her farm! Her plantation! Because she doesn’t have nothing. He’s got to marry her off or something.”

“Put her mouth on him and he been kissing on that other woman?! I’d be slapping his face and handing him a bar of soap!”

Movies With [My m] -Others – Ride A Crooked Trail

[A/N: there was one Jamaican, one Trinidadian, and one Brooklynite in the audience.  Distribute accents as you see fit.]

“Do people talk in this movie?”
“I’m gonna need my notebook, aren’t I?”
“Why?”
“She takes down what people say during movies.”
“Why?”
“It’s for her blog.”
“…why?”
“It gets her clicks!”
“…”

“What’s the storyline? Can you fastforward it?”
“No.”
“She’s easily bored.”
“You don’t say.”

“I like diversity in my movies! Are there any black persons in this movie?”
“Yes.”
“There are?”
“No.”

“What is this, were they fighting and now they are friends?”
“It’s how it used to work in the west.”

“Is this a scifi western?”
“No.”
“Then why does he keep getting shot and not dying?”

“Doctor takin’ care of him and he making a fuss?”
“Men are the worst…patients. The worst patients.”
“….S, you are married!”
“I’m just sayin’!”

“Why he have on a choir robe now?”
“What.”
“That looks like a ‘joyful, joyful!’ choir robe, man!”
“It’s a Judge’s robe! Don’t you watch Judge Judy?”
“She have clothes on under her robes, man!”
“Oh I see what you mean, he has nothing on under the robe! Where’s his shirt?”
“See? And him in court, man!”
“He just came out of the doctor.”
“He had time to drink and smoke but he have no time to put on a shirt?”
“He was smoking the whole time, he just had time for one drink.”
“This is the wholesome show? With drinking and smoking and shoot outs?”
“But there’s no language!”
“So I could drink and smoke and it be O.K., so long as I don’t swear?”
“…”

“He has too much of a high-pitched voice for a cowboy.”
“He’s not a cowboy, he’s the judge’s assistant.”
“….it’s too highpitched.”

“So the town had no sheriff before him? How can a town function like that?”
“It’s how stuff happened back then.”
“Over here in America it is how stuff happened back then.”
“It’s how everything was back then everywhere!”

“All the towns are tough!…stop writing everything I say.”

“Are they on a houseboat?”
“Yes.”
“How they cooking on a houseboat? Propane?”
“….”
“They had propane back in those days?”

“Look at the egg!”
“That’s not good hangover food!—he’s going to vomit.”
“You watched it before?”
“No! I have been in this situation before and I know how you handle it? You see him? He is a pro! Him, he is a rookie!”

“I don’t know much about movies….you gonna write that?”
“No, it’s not funny enough.”
“[shriek of laughter]”
“….OK….”

“A little harlot there.”
“What did you call her?”
“She said she was a Harley?”
“She said she was a little harlot!”
“Well, she is!”
“That’s harsh.”
“She is dressed like one, look.”
“It’s a nice dress…”

(“What is a blog?”)

“Did you hear that? They ask him about ‘passage money,’ and he says, ‘do not bother me with trifles!’ I am going to start using that line in real life now.”

[Trini]: “Black person!”
[Jamaica]: “He is really black.”
[Trini]: “And what are you?”
[Jamaica]: “I’m black.”
[Trini]: “Yes! You are black!”
[Jamaica]: “He is really black, though.”
[Trini]: “But what are you?!”

“Pancakes! Pancakes existed then?”

“I like his dress. He is very neat. I hate a sloppy male.”

“Is this a love story? They fall in love?”
“…not really.”

“Look at the man’s suit. Why the males don’t dress like this? They so sloppy now!”

“They’re gonna claim the child!”
“What? Why?”

“Oh, that woman is pushing it! She’s pushing it! She knows he is fake!”
“She also knows he’s good with a gun.”
“That, too.”

[Trini] “Riders, how you gonna translate Trinidadian on your blog? I don’t want to be Americanized here. You got to make me be authentic.”

“Why do they always want to break the bank in these old times?”
“Cause that’s where the money was!”
“They have real money back then?”
“They had gold!”
“Oh! Gold!”

“He’s not very good looking.”
“I don’t like him.”
“He looks plastic.”
“Yeah! He look like a puppet.”

“You know why he walkin’ backwards facing them?”
“He afraid?”
“That’s so he’ll be able to pull his gun!”
[boom]
“See!”

“I do not like that man, he’s got a puppet face!”

“Everybody going back? Why?”
“They want to hit the bank.”
“Without proper preparation?”
“Nope.”
“They all goin’ die.”

“Did they adopt him?”
“The Judge sent him over.”
“Why? To spy on them?”
“No, because he is supposed to be with them because they’ll give him a better home.”
“He come with his gun and suitcase!”

“Ohhh, her little ovaries tingling, you know! Her ovaries tingling, you know…Riders, you are taking my best things, I will not be able to say any of these things in real life now. Copyright everything [Trini Girl]!”

“Aha, in his choir robe he is shooting them!…oh no, this time he is dressed!”

“That horse walked backwards!”
“They are capable of doing that.”

“See, I like this person. She likes my movies.”
“I am enjoying this movie, too. Ish.”

“Wait, what happened at the shootout at the bank?”
“They all died. Ish.”

“[Redacted redacted redacted, redacted. Redacted!] Do not write that! Do not write that!”

“Are you coming to watch the movie, Auntie?”
“Please let the movie continue.”
“Oh, so, do you guys know Lord of the Rings? Do you know how long Lord of the Rings is? Do you know she once stood there and watched the entire movie standing there?”
“I am better now. I am going to sit down. Continue!”

(“Lord of the Rings is like seventeen hundred hours long, no?”
“What is Lord of the Rings? That is the one where they are like, traveling in the mountains or something?”
“It is the thing with the Ring, and the ‘my precious’ and the Dobby person…no, not Dobby…”
“Shhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
“Oh, shh, okay. Yes. Sh.”)

“Oh! A sheriff!”

“Is that him talking about himself?”
“Yes.”

“Can he hear?”
“Yup! That’s an ‘I heard’ face!”
[Auntie who walked in late]: “Who is he! That wicked man?”
“He is the good guy actually? He is a Judge.”

“Is he a good guy?”
“OK, so, the Sheriff guy is actually an outlaw who is pretending to be the Sheriff because the real Sheriff fell off a cliff…accidentally…and he went into town and has been being Sheriff, and doing a real good job protecting the town—“
“—because he’s protecting his bank! See him talking, like it’s “his” bank! When he just want to rob it!”
“Yeah, and there’s this other guy and a girl, but they’re not important right now.”

“Is that a baby horse for him, that is adorable. DO NOT WRITE THAT DOWN.”
[Brooklyn-but-lives-in-the-country-and-knows-the-difference]: “It’s not a foal!”
“It’s a pony.”
“It is a pony?”
“It’s a big pony!”
“Technically, a pony is any horse below a certain height.”
“Oh.”
“So that’s a horse.”
“…”

“They know him?”
“That’s the guy!”
“Who guy, the puppet face?”
“His face doesn’t move when he talks!”
“That’s what I said, he’s a puppet!”

“They could just shoot him in his back, but—“
“Don’t turn your back!—“
“—But there’s other cowboys and men around, so he’s ok.”
“Oh, he is ok.”

“OH NO! He’s dead!”
“No, no, no, they save him, they save him!….this is an emotional turmoil!”
“You see children, they get you in trouble!”
“What happened to him?”
“He got mash-up!”

“Who is she?”
“She’s his fake wife!”
“She’s his…fake wife?”
“She’s there for the bank, too.”
“Oh.”

“Uh oh! What now!?”
“What?”
“That music! That music make me know something going’ happen!”

“She is not into you!”

“He better be in that bed, or they have to buss’ his little head up!”

“What a beautiful dress!”
“That is another outfit!”

“She want the Judge to stay there so the Judge can see him there!”
“Women, they just manipulate the situation.”

“So where the little boy?”
“He sleeping. As a child should.”

“So isn’t that the place where no decent woman should be?”
“Well she’s there with her husband and the Judge…”
“He’s a common man! What kind of Judge is that?”

“She like this new life she living in. Doesn’t she? Doesn’t she?—“
“She is a schemer!”
“She likes this life, but she is torn. Riders, confirm this for me.”
“Mm-hm.”
“No, confirm it for me for real. Is she not doing this to keep him in sight of the Judge so the Judge cannot blame him for this when the bank is blown up?”
“No, the Judge is going to to blame him anyway.”
“Oh.”
“Because they could have had accomplices.”

“This movie is getting worse and worse and worser!”

“NOOOOO!….Riders, make sure you put lots of O’s in my NO.”

“That is a loyal child!”

“Cows again?”

“Is he there? He hiding between the cows!”
“Who?”
“The bad guy?”
“Puppet Face?”

“Why do not just shoot him and kill him!”
“If they shoot, the cows will get nervous.”

“What!”
“Are they going to shoot him? And kill him?”

“AWWWWWwwww!”
“He is a decent guy!”
“They are all decent people! Everyone can change!”
“That is what I am also saying!”
(“Are you putting that she is saying this in a Trinidadian accent?”)

“It was a wholesome movie….minus the whole common law shacking up before they are married thing!”
“They got married in the end!”
“You must shun the appearance of evil! And they were living together!”
“Yes, but he was sleeping in a bathtub.”
“That is true.”

“That was a nice movie Riders, who would have thought!”

Spider-Man: Homecoming – With My Mother

Spider-Millenial

“Who are they?”
“Probably the heroes…oh, no, wait, these are the villains.”
“What are they doing?”
“They’re creating alien-based technology weapons. Because they’re stupid working class rednecks and they can’t do anything better with alien-based technology than sell it for drug money. Because they’re stupid and they probably voted for Trump.”
“What. Is that in the movie?”
“…it’s subtext.”
“Is it in the movie?”
“Yes.”
“It is not in the movie.”

“What happened?”
“He hit him.”
“Oh.”

“Wait, is that the notebook I gave you? And you’re writing nonsense in it?”
“I’m writing what you say.”
“That’s what I said. Nonsense.”
“Uh-huh. Speak a little slower, please.”
“Hmmmmph.”

“This Spiderman is a child? Puh-lease.”
“He’s originally like fifteen in the comic books, I think. But they did mess up by making him so…he should be a lot less…millenial.”

“He’s going to graduate from this foolishness, isn’t he?”

“What happened?”
“His civilian clothes were stolen.”
“See! He shouldn’t’ve gone and changed in the middle of the road!”

“Is that where he lives?”
“Yes.”
“What happened?”
“He’s sneaking in across the ceiling because he needs to get his clothes and get changed but someone’s going to see him and know his secret identity.”
“Oh. Who?”

“Who is that girl?”
“That’s his aunt.”
“Looks like his sister.”

“What!”
“He said, how do you do the Stark internship, and he said, the internship is him being Spiderman.”
“The internship is him being on the roofs? That’s not good.”
“He’s being Spiderman!”
“He ain’t doing nothing. That’s no internship.”

“I’m expecting Avengers and none of them are turning up. Except Tony Stark in regular clothes. So I am not sure I like this movie.”

“WHAT! That boy’s SUCH A FOOL! He’s such a fool! She has a crush on you, so he gon’ out the man. The boy.”
…
“He needs to lose him as a friend.”

“What does he mean, he’s not there?”
“He’s not there.”
“What?”
“He’s not there. He’s not in the suit.”
“What? What does he mean? Why is he not there?”
“Mom….”
“What does he mean?”
“He’s not there! He’s somewhere else! He’s in India!”
“How can he be somewhere else! The suit is right there!”
“Right, but he’s not in it!”
“Why is he not in it?!”
“Because he’s in India!”
“….”
“….”
“He should be in the suit. That’s Iron Man’s suit. So Iron Man should be in it.”

“That was amazing. I didn’t know he could do that!”

“Uh oh…that’s…what? WHAT?! That’s her father! Is that her father? Oh no!”

“She’s taller than him.”
“That’s her heels.”

“What’s happening?”
“He’s gonna steal from the plane.”
“That’s the Avengers’ plane?”
“Yes.”
“And with the folk inside!…oh, it’s not the Avengers, it’s just folk.”
“Yes.”

“The plane crashed! Oh my gosh. Tony’s gon’ kill him this time.”

“Why is he trying to save him? What happened?”
“The wings are going to interact with the power core things and he’s going to blow up….like that.”

“Too much violence. Is this rated R?”

“Yes! They don’t need him, a kid, on the Avengers!”

“UH OH! Oh my gosh! He should not TELL people!”

The Thief of Baghdad (1942) – With My Mother (repost)

“Wait, this is the little movie with Sahib or Saboo or what’s-his-name, isn’t it?”
“You never watched it! You can’t say it’s bad! You’ll like it!”
“You’re still hung up on that silly movie from when you were a kid?”
“It’s a good movie!”
“…”
“You promised you were going to watch it.”
“And I don’t know why.”

The movie begins in medias res, with a blind man and his dog begging for alms on the street. Conrad Veidt drops by:

“Who’s he?”
“Jaffar.”
“Is he the Sultan?”
“No, he’s the evil usurping vizier.”
“Usurping what?”
“The kingdom.”

Like the blind man, the dog is special and more than he appears to be–as demonstrated when he picks out false coins from an offering.

“What?”
“He said, the dog must have been a tax collector in a previous life.”

The blind man is collected by the enigmatic Halima:

“I didn’t get all that.”
“The blind guy is the real king. The dog is the thief, Sabu. Jaffar did that to them when he did the usurping. But now he needs the king back to do something for him.”
“Who is she?”
“She works for Jaffar.”
…
“Oh! So that’s why the dog can tell! He’s really a person!”

“Is Tony Curtis in this?”

The blind man begins to tell his story, and we flash back to the beginning:

He is the king whom Jaffar usurped, was tricked into leaving the palace, thrown in jail, rescued by the little Thief of Baghdad, and fled the city for safer climates.

“What’s his name? The king.”
“John Justin. He never hit it big.”
“I can see why.”
“…”
“That is one scrawny looking man.”

They end up in the nearby city of Basra, where armed guards ensure that no man sees the face of the Princess before she is married.

“He said, is she that ugly?”
“Heh.”

 

“June Duprez….”
“Apparently she never hit it big, either. I think she said it was because Joan Fontaine or one of those people had it out for her.”
“I can see that happening.”

Ahmad, however, sees the Princess, is smitten, and with Abu’s reluctant help manages to sneak into the palace to see her up-close.

“He said, Sinbad the Sailor offered them berths on his ship.”
“Mm-hm.”
“Isn’t that nice?”
“….mmm.”

Fortunately, the Princess is receptive…

“Oh please. NO.”

Unfortunately, Jaffar arrives, intent on founding a dynasty (no, seriously, those are his exact words), and he has planned ahead.

“What is it? What is it!”
“It’s a clockwork horse.”

“What!”
“It’s a flying clockwork horse.”

“How could that work!?”
“It’s a magic flying clockwork horse.”
“Is it real?”
“What?”

“I know what he wants for that!”

The Princess makes a run for it. Meanwhile, a captured Ahmad confronts Jaffar–unsuccessfully–resulting in the state of affairs that we began with and catching us up to the story in the present.

“Why is he so happy?”

“What’d he say?”

“He turned into a dog!”

“What’d he say?”
“He said, the king would be blind and the thief would be a dog until he gets to hold the Princess.”
“Hold the Princess?”
“…hug…the Princess…?”
“Oh.”

It is then revealed to Ahmad that he is in the same place as the Princess, she having been captured and bought by slavers, but is in a strange magical coma (you know, the kind Princesses are prone to…it must be genetic), which only he can break.

“They lying?”
“No.”

Jaffar watches the proceedings:

“He put a spell on her he can’t break?”
“He didn’t enspell the Princess, she just fell into it herself. He enspelled THEM.”

Ahmad wakes the Princess successfully, but is then hustled out by Halima. He leaves Abu:

“Guard her? One dog against a sorcerer?”

–While Halima then lures the Princess onboard a ship, promising that Ahmad’s sight can be restored there.

She’s not lying….

“But he had her before, I don’t understand.”
“Yeah, but she wasn’t awake.”

Conrad Veidt was actually the big star of the movie (I think this was John Justin’s first role, while Veidt had a long list of international credits to his name), and was ordered to play the tortured, suffering lover to the hilt. Veidt obliged. In fact, watching this movie with a couple of girl friends a year or so ago, the general consensus was that, aww, he can’t be all that bad, why can’t he end up with the girl?

Because he’s a creepy, usurping Grand Vizier, that’s why.

“What’s he doing?”
“Hypnotizing her.”
“Why? So she will like him?”
…
“He hypnotized her?”
“No, because he can’t get her to like him, only to obey him.”
“…what’s the difference?”
“…”
“Well from his point of view! She’s not going to like him anyway, so why is he even bothering?”

It’s all for nothing, though, as Ahmad and Abu are once again on their trail:

“What’s he doing now?”
“He’s calling up a storm to stop the other boat.”
“Oh that’s really gonna get her to like him now. Fool!”

–and all that gets him is a mopey Princess.

“Go where?”
“She doesn’t want to go with him. She wants to go home.”
…
“Oh, he took her home?”
“He’s trying to be nice.”

The Princess does get a promise from her father that he will never send her away, as long as he lives.

“This is a funny premise. For toys he’d give up anything. You heard about men and their toys.”
“Well, they’re right.”
“…she’s going back to Baghdad….”

“Aaah! She gon’ kill him!…oh…”

“Hm! Wouldn’t like to live in them times. Always be watching your back because people gon’ stab you in it!”

Meanwhile, Abu finds a genie in a bottle. There’s only one problem: Genie has been in the bottle for two thousand years, and is unhappy about it.

“Solomon put him in there? Must be a bad genie.”

“Uh…”
“Why else would Solomon put him in there, then?”

Abu keeps his wits about him, and fortunately, has read the correct stories.

“What’s he doing?”
“He tricked him back into the bottle.”
“He CAN’T BE THAT FOOLISH. NO.”
“…it’s one of the traditional stories about the three wishes and the genie. They didn’t just make this up!”
“…”

“Why should we trust him?”
“He swore.”
“So?”
“He swore by King Solomon!”

Abu needs to know where Ahmad is, and to know where Ahmad is, needs the All-Seeing Eye of the Goddess of Night. But first things first.

“He gon’ use one wish for a meal! Please!”

The heroic part of this adventure then begins, as Abu enters the goddess’s temple to steal the All-Seeing Eye:

“What is it, a spider’s web?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh. Oh Lor’, he goin’ up a spider’s web and the spider coming for him?”
“Yep.”
“Does he know?”

“Wait, where is the Prince?”
“He’s trying to find the thing that will allow him to find the Prince.”
“…What thing?”
“The All-Seeing Eye.”
“…”
“…And then he’ll see where the Prince is and the genie can take him there.”

Ahmad and Abu are reunited, but the genie is cackling ominously:

“The genie is a fool?”
“The joke is, he’s about to get away and he knows it.”

…Which promptly happens.

“He looks like a scrawny person! Look. One scrawny man.”
“Mom!”

“What? Who’s going to be chained!”
“They’re both gonna die.”
“What? He gon’ kill the girl? Why? He just said he had her!”
“She broke free. And he got mad.”

Abu smashes the All-Seeing Eye, and then things go wonky:

“What, the genie came back?”
“No, something else happened.”
“What?”
“I dunno! Something else happened.”

“He died?”
“No.”
“Then who’s this old man? And how come he’s a prince?”

…I’m not sure what the logic is behind this scene, taken out of context. Let me just say, that like all great stories, it makes perfect sense when you’re going with the flow of it. Anyhow, the Sages give Abu the title of Prince and a bow that will not easily miss evil, but explicitly forbid him to take their flying carpet. That carpet. Over there. It flies if you tell it, “Fly carpet.” Now, excuse me, I’m leaving the room now. Remember, now! That carpet.

“The boy, he gon’ stay there?”
” ‘No thanks.’ “

So Abu arrives in the nick of time and the people, emboldened, rise against their oppressive overlord:

“What’s going on?”
“They’re revolting against Jaffar.”
“Because they saw the cloud?”
“Because of the prophecy!”

Jaffar attempts to escape on the flying horse, but:

“Oh my.”

And they all live happily ever after, including Abu, who takes to the hills on hearing that Ahmad intends for him to–gulp–attend school.

“Ahahahaha.”

I love this movie so much. I always have. I think I always will.

“See! I told you it was good!”
“This should be the last time you look at this, ever.”

Sigh.