The Riders of Skaith’s Top 25 Search Results for 2020

riders of skaith15Hiya! Come for….well, I’d love to say the science fiction but by own stats contradict that. (Stay for the tiger pics, though).
the romance of hua rong5Not unexpectedly, the Romance of Hua Rong recaps are by far and away the most popular things on this blog. Lovely Swords Girl and Love and Destiny are yards behind, but the review of the Siege in Fog novel also gets steady hits. 
jim butcher peace talks4Review here! Incoherent initial thoughts here! Slightly more coherent thoughts here.
angelique the marquise of the angels4Review here.
byakuya movie3They did my boy wrong and I am still upset about it.
correia assisns review3A brief review of House of Assassins is here.
captain marvel rewrite3Way better, amiright?
riders of skaith, terminator2Here is my take on how the third Terminator movie should have gone. Here is my mother’s take on the first movie.
larry correia destroyer of worlds2I haven’t written a review of this one….guess I should.
pax dickinson amanda robb2Okay, I had to google this one to find out what it was about. It’s the time some guy made some reporterette wear a MAGA hat and scavenger hunt for him, back like three years ago or something when Comicsgate was going big.
silver creek audie murphy duel ay2Ay. Here you go.
house of assassins larry correia review2Wait, how did more people spell this wrong than spelled it right?
what will dresden mirror mirror be about?2Beats me. 
why was blood coming out of lingxi’s mouth in love and destiny?1‘cuz it’s a dramatic trope often used in cinema to show a character has a serious internal injury or to just intensify a scene by implying that the character might. Plus, this way you can get a lot of drama without having to get a lot of blood on the costume.
what do the einherjar call dresden files1That is an excellent question.
i want to read what happened in a chinese film named,sword girl,season 1 episode 1 to season 6 episode 1,from the starting to the ending.1Can’t help you, fam. 
jim butcher battle ground review spoiler1Justine is Nemesis.
a wizard in bedlam1Here you go, sir, ma’am, or tentacle.
is thomas raith dead bartle grounds1I’m slightly offended by this.
real identity of mr jin hua robg1He’s some kind of prince guy who is related to another prince guy who is the bad guy except Mr. Jin is a good guy who was temporarily pretending to be a hero guy except that the real hero guy was Qin Shang Cheng in a mask. I hope this clarifies the situation for you.
scifiwright the green knights squire1Given the length of the review I wrote for this, it’s really gratifying to see that someone landed there. Thanks, m’lady, m’lord, or churl!
uprooted naomi novik common sense1It wasn’t present in the novel, no.
dark emu criticism1Me, I was just having fun arguing with my dad. 
telzey amberdon and giant otters1No, no, no, it was Nile Etland who had the otters. Telzey had her telepathic tiger/crest cat, Tick-Tock.
bfs what it stands for in peace talks1Friend, why don’t you try reading the books instead of googling everything? It’ll work out much better for you that way, I promise.

The Last Jedi – With My Mother (repost review)

VERY LONG POST WITH MANY IMAGES BELOW. If you stick around long enough you’ll spot the exact moment I lost the will to live…

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“What’s this? Who is this?”

“What’s he talking about?”

“Stop. Stop. What is going on?”
“Yknow I promised I wouldn’t say anything.”
“Don’t do that, I want to know what’s happening! What’s happening?…He came to destroy the ship? The big ship? He thinks he can? How?”
“This is Star Wars. A tiny little ship is much more powerful than a big ship.”
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“It is?”
“It is in this movie.”
“…what about the Armada! Heh heh!”
[The Mother of Skaith has no idea]

“What’s he supposed to be doing?! The little thing! What IS he doing?…Oh, he’s fixing something?”
“Yes. And then he headbutted it. That fixed it.”
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“What’s he trying to do?”
“They’re going to bomb them now.”
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“The dreadnaught is their big ship?”
“Yes.”
“Are they on that ship?”
“What?”
“Are they on that ship that they’re targeting?”
“Are who on that ship?”
“The people.”
“What people…?”

“What? What’d she do? Is she a traitor?”
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“What is she doing!? What’s happening RIDERS!”
[Bujold Did It Better]

“What’s going on? What’s she doing?”
“Ok. Remember the remote control? I explained about the remote control? She fell down the ladder and it’s at the top of the ladder and she’s lying there kicking it to drop it down and get to push the button instead of GETTING BACK UP THE LADDER TO PUSH IT.”
“Ok.”

“…maybe she couldn’t get to it.”
“SHE COULD MOVE BOTH HER ARMS AND LEGS. SHE COULD KICK IT AND SHE COULD GRAB IT, THERE”S NO REASON SHE COULDN’T CLIMB THE LADDER.”
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“Ok, ok, ok.”

“Why are you looking at me? I know him. I saw this in the last one. What!”
“Did you see it?”
“See what? He took it and left.”
“Oh, you didn’t see it. Let me rewind it.”
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“I’m looking….I’m looking….he threw it away! What? I just saw it! Why would he do that?”

“Who do the other houses belong to?”
“….they’re fish nuns who….they’re fish nuns.”

“Oh, and those are the porgs!…you don’t care.”
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“They look like li’l birds to me.”

“Doesn’t it look like he’s wearing a bathrobe?” [It really does, though. That’s the same knot I tie on mine.]
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“Yeah. I don’t like to look at him though.”
“Oh, did you know that the guy playing him played Gollum?”
“…Gollum was a little thing.”
“No, but he did the motions for the CGI.”
[unimpressed] “Oh.”

“Stop looking at me. Watch the movie.”

“What’s this? Same girl? And she’s just following him?

“What is that?…Oh gross!”

“…Don’t look at me.”

“What’s that? He don’t know either?”
“Do you remember the part in Empire Strikes Back where Luke is being trained and he goes into the cave and he sees Darth Vader in the cave and he fights him and it’s the darkness in himself?”
“I think so.”
“This is the same thing. Only she’s going to see more of herself than he does because she’s special.”

“…what is the boy going to do? The evil boy…Kylo Ren.”
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“I don’t know.”
“How do you not know?”

“Is he trying to redeem himself?”
“No.”
“What’s he trying to do?”
“He’s trying to kill his mother.”
“Why?”
“He wants to be evil.”
“He’s already evil!”
“According to his master, he’s not evil enough.”
“Oh.”

“What is this boy’s name?”

“Does he kill her?”
“Oh, just watch.”
“He kills her?…She didn’t die? What? I don’t understand! I thought the thing was blown up? She’s coming back to life?”
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“Oh, she’s flying into the burned-up ship…do not look at me, please.”

“He come there to kill her himself?”
“Yes.”
“Oh.”

[Admiral PurpleHair]
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“Who?”

“Is that the sort of thing you do to your subordinate? Is it? Is it? IS IT?”
“To that sort of subordinate!”
“To just mock and harangue him?”
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“She told him to follow orders.”
“What orders? She had no orders. Do you do that to your subordinates? To anyone! Anyone! In front of everyone!”
“There were no other people around.”
“They were right in the middle of everyone! That is not the thing to do!”
“Watch the movie.”

“She looks like she’s not a—she looks like she’s not loyal, anyway.”
“She’s a hero.”
“…”
“…She’s a hero.”

“He isn’t a part of the army! She can’t do that!”
“She’s just doing what she thinks—“
“She doesn’t have any reason to do this!”
“It’s just a movie.”
“She’s in the rest of the movie, too. She’s in the rest of the movie…..oh God…I didn’t actually watch it past the sea cow milk part, I…I…I didn’t know it was this bad…”
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[insultingly stupid, insultingly condescending, insultingly awful scene of the insultingly horrible message from the pseudo-Yoda goggle alien woman. Why is this scene so stupid? Why? Is it because it’s an infodump used to obviously set up a new plot point? Is it because it has no connection to anything else other than to contrive a new situation? Is it because it uses the stupid and egregious modern cliché of tee-hee, enemies so silly, I talk to you while I deal with them with one hand? Is it because she does backflips while remaining in range of the camera? Is it because it brings up and dismisses past characters in a contrived fashion? Is it because it makes people want to gouge their own eyes out? IS IT A PLAN BY DISNEY TO FORCE PEOPLE TO BUY THOSE STUPID GOGGLES IN ORDER TO PROTECT THEIR EYES FROM THIS HORRIBLE FATE? IS IT? IS IT? IS IT?]

“Ha! Who’s the master codebreaker? Is it Luke?”
“No.”
“Well, who is it? Is it Rey?”
“It’s no one.”
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“It can’t be no one. Who is it?”
“It’s a guy they pick up in jail after going to the place and getting thrown in jail.”
“It has to be someone she’s talking about. He’s someone important. You’ll see.”
[The Mother of Skaith has never heard of clever filmmakers subverting audience expectations. Oh, just you wait.]

“He came? He’s there?”
“No. They have a Force link.”
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“What?”

“What.”

“What!”

“Stop it. I didn’t hear what she said. He put himself away from the Force?”
“He said, he’s only felt this kind of power before—because these people are more powerful than him, or Darth Vader, or Anakin, anyone else, because they’re new people, they’re more powerful than he’s ever felt before.”
“Yes, yes, after that. What did he say at the end?”
“He’s only felt this kind of raw power once before with Ben. The evil boy. Kylo Ren.”

“She lyin’?”
“Yes.”

“The worst people. See? You get it? You get it? You get it? You get it? Because they’re rich. You get it yet?”
“Yes.”
“See? He’s complaining about traffic. Because he’s rich. You got it yet?”
“Just play the movie.”

“See, see, they’re bad people. Because they’re beating up the dog-ponies. And the little slave boys.”
[This scene is SO ON THE NOSE IT HURTS.]
“They are bad people because they sell weapons! Not because they are rich!”
“Y’know…why does it have to be weapons? Weapons are good! Guns are good! They shouldn’t be—you know what, why isn’t Finn and them there buying weapons themselves?”
“Why are you shouting?”
“They should be buying weapons! Even from the rich evil weapons dealers. Because they’re down to one ship and they lost all their bombers, they should be buying new ships. Why aren’t they buying new ships! That actually makes sense!”
“You are shouting for no reason.”
“They should be buying new ships.”
“Be quiet!”

“Why does he have to have his head covered all the time?”

“He’s lying.”
“He is?”
“Yeah, he’s lying.”

“That’s a good line, there. ‘You didn’t fail Kylo, Kylo failed you. And I won’t.’”

“I told you, she don’t know what she’s doing. She looks like she’s a traitor.”
“Oh, she’s not a traitor, she’s a hero.”
“…”
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She’s a hero.
“She doesn’t know what she’s doing.”

“See, this is the guy. They get him instead of the master code breaker. Because they don’t need a master code breaker, they can just use a guy th…”
[I FUCKING GIVE UP. Why. Why. Why. Why. Redrum REDRUM REDRUM.]

“It’s a cowsheep?”
“It’s a ponydog.”
“Looks like a cowsheep.”
“It’s got pony ears.”
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“Why is the child there?”
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[Then they stampede the kangaroopigcows through the casino. This scene is so egregious even the Mother of Skaith wondered what was up.]

“Where are they going?”
“They’re goi…they’…they….they’re going to run into a ship. It’s going to be sitting there with the ramp down and they’re going to run right up it.”
“Oh.”

“Oh, what happened? What did she do to the animal?”
“She took its saddle off.”
“And then she said, now it’s worth it? Now that is too much….”

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[snicker]

“I don’t believe that. What? How? How could that be? That would make Luke evil!”

“Why is she listening to him, anyway?”
“Because he didn’t have a shirt on.”
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[The Mother of Skaith: eyerolls]

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“Don’t shake his hand….he might squeeze it. This boy squeezed my hand the other day and I’m not shaking hands any more.”

“ ‘Did you’—what?”
“Create Kylo Ren.”
“What? How? How could Luke Skywalker create Kylo Ren?”
“Because he snuck into his room and tried to murder him with a lightsaber.”
“But why would Luke do that? That don’t make no sense.”

“…his master didn’t fail him? How could he…”

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“Uh uh! Lookie here! Look at that!”

[“At least you’re stealing from the bad guys and helping the good.” Well, at least Finn isn’t, like, losing any IQ points to make him say things like this. He’s been this stupid the entire movie.]

“Tell me she’s not a traitor.”
“She’s a hero.”
“I didn’t ask you that.”
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[“Traitor!”]
“I TOLD YOU!”
“She’s a hero….she’s a hero.”
“Hush.”

[Yeah, perfect. Tell him that, Chewie. What have they done to you, Chewie?]

[The master code breaker hacks by typing really really fast and has little code beads in his sleeves. I wrote this same exact fucking scene when i was ten years old and hacking was this mystical thing smart people (who were also criminals) did. I was not at the time, a professional scriptwriter employed by a major motion picture studio.]

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“Where is she going? Back to their base?”
“No, she’s going to go turn Kylo back to the Light Side.”
“Are you serious?”

“Now what’s happening?”
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“Ok, they went and got the master code breaker–”
“I know that, what’s happening?”
“Ok, so they got those uniforms from…somewhere—and they put a garbage can over the little rolly robot so it only looks like a garbage can, except that the evil little robot over there is going to spot them.”

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“What’d he say?”
“He said she’ll turn.”
“What? She’ll turn? Will she turn?”
“No. Of course not.”
“So he’s lying. Or he thinks he’s lying.”

“He saw who her parents were?”
“Yes.”

“Sooo, how did he capture her?”
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“She went to him. She had Chewie launch her in the escape pod and she went to him.”
“Why?”
“Because she thinks she can turn him.”
“She have sense?”
“She’s a heroine.”
“All by herself she had this idea?”
“She’s a STUPID heroine.”

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“Why did he go with them in the first place? How did they find him? He was in a bar or something, wasn’t he?”
“He was in jail.”
“Why was he in jail?”
“They didn’t ask.”
“But why was he in jail after all, the First Order put him in jail. OR he was a plant or something.”
“They didn’t ask! We never find out.”
“There has to be a reason.”
“There isn’t a reason.”
“There has to be a reason. You just watch it and you’ll find out.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”
“Ok, so, you see, Mom, the people who made this movie did this on purpose. They want to do things that are unexpected, like, unexpected, and this is one of them.”
“No. That is not what you do. Even if it is unexpected, it still has to make sense.”
“That’s one of your expectations that they were subverting.”
“…it has to make sense.”
“….”

“Why’d she do that! She not have any sense either?”
“Oh, that’s another thing they want to subvert.”
“Leia?”

“She really looks old. Older than her mother.”
“Cocaine is really bad for you.”
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“Why don’t they call him Luke? They should say Luke, not just Skywalker.”

“Waitaminute, wait, hang on, where did the fire come from? Wait, wait, wait, I’m going back to find out where the fire came from.”
“All that sparking. All that sparking, something caught on fire.”
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“Oh, there it is. See, there.”
“But wait, wait, wait, why is the wall made out of cloth? Look, you can see where it connects to the floor!”
“Stop shouting.”
“I’m not shouting. Why is the wall made out of cloth? Just one layer of cloth? What?”

“You know, he was right, she still had a stupid idea with the transports, that they would not be safe. The place may be safe but it’s not safe.”

“The place is falling appart.”
“Yeah, but that’s because it’s made out of cloth.”

“Quick, turn around, the other guy’s dying!”
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“Tell her to give him the thing, the saber, and she can go. He can stay there.”

“Can those transports do diving, you know, like the ships do? They just go straight?”

“What’s she going to do?”

“Ok, what is she doing? Is she being…is she just…”

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“Ahhh! Give her the thing, boy! Come on! Oh, they’re fighting for it.”

“Who is this woman? Who is this woman?”
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“She’s the female stormtrooper leader.”
“Oh, there’s a female stormtrooper leader. Ok.”

“What’s she doing?”

“She’s going to crash into the big ship.”
“Oh, ok.”

“Who’s that?”
“The same female stormtrooper leader.”
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“Oh.”

“What is this? Ahaha! It’s the little thingy!”
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“So what happened with the two of them? I don’t understand what happened with them with the lightsaber. Why did he want it?”
“…I dunno. Just cause she was trying to grab it back, maybe.”
[Why did Kylo want the saber? Shouldn’t he be letting the past die?]

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“What’d he say?”
“The Supreme Leader is dead, Long Live the Supreme Leader.”

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[The reason that you do not generally send women, especially pregnant or elderly ones, into battle. 1) if you send a pregnant woman out, she will be physically unfit for the duty. 2), if you lose her, you also lose the baby. And no one wants to lose babies. If you send an elderly woman out, she will be generally physically unfit for the duty, and it also looks bloody stupid. Poor Carrie Fisher was obviously having trouble moving in that ball gown.]

“He…petted it. Did you see that? He was petting it.”
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“What cannon?”
“The battering-ram cannon.”
“I didn’t see the canon.”
“They haven’t brought it out yet.”

“What’d he say?”
“He said, all fighters go after the Falcon. Which is really stupid because then they…arrrghhhhh.”

“He gonna die?’
“Oh, watch this.”
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“What’s he doing?”
“He’s going to dive right into the middle of it and blow it up.”
“Blow what up, the thing?”

“What happened there? What happened there? What happened there? Somebody knocked him out before he hit it? She did? Did she die? Did she die?”
“We’re not sure. She might be back for the sequel.”

“Noo, they just don’t trust you anymore.”

“What is that, who? Luke? Where’d he come out of? Out of thin air?”

“What’s this?”
“The stupid girl.”
“What girl?”
“The girl that knocked him aside.”
“Oh.”

[And if your membership is majority female, but your leadership is a charismatic male, to whom, even better/worse, your wise aged female specifically cedes leadership…what does that say?]

“What did she say?”
“Lifting rocks.”
“What’s lifting rocks?”
“She’s going to go lift the rocks.”
“So they can get away?”
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[Why couldn’t this scene have been awesome? It could have been awesome. Damn you Hollywood.]

“What? What’s happening there?”
“He’s not really there.”
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“What. How could he not be there?”

“Who is this child? Who is this child?”

“It’s to show that their story has spread and they are an inspiration to the masses, but only the lowest of the low. Everyone else can just buzz off and die.”
[…come to think of it, it’s a pretty damn direct communist parallel, there. THE OPPRESSED MASSES versus THE DECADENT ELITE. God damn you, Hollywood.]

“Oh, so what is your overall opinion of the movie?”
“There is this new Avengers movie. Wakanda. Everyone’s talking about it on Facebook. They say we’re going to Wakanda.”
“Yeah, good riddance to them. But this movie, what did you think of it?”
“I want to see the new Avengers movie. Wakanda. Or Thor. Is there a new Thor movie?”

Riders, do you have any good movies?

The Far Country is very good.”
“Who is in it?”
“Jimmy Stewart.”
“….”
“MOM IS THERE ANY ACTOR YOU DO LIKE? SERIOUSLY WHO DO YOU EVEN LIKE?”
“John Wayne. I like John Wayne. Do you have anything with him? What else do you have?”
“How about Vera Cruz?
“Who is in it?”
“Gary Cooper.”
“…he just like Jimmy Stewart, you know.”
“…mom…”
“He don’t look like no cowboy! Even when he got them clothes on.”
“How about The Law and Jake Wade?”
“What is it about?”
“It’s about this guy who used to be an outlaw and now he’s a marshal and his old friend who is an outlaw is very upset about it and also about the twenty thousand dollars that went missing along with him when he ran off.”
“And then what happens?”
“So he takes him and his girlfriend hostage and they go out to get the money and there’s injuns.”
“Who takes the hostage?”
“Mom, who takes people hostage? Does a good guy take people hostage?”
“Oh, okay. Who is in it?”
“Robert Taylor and–”
“He is in the same class as Jimmy Stewart, you know.”
“….mommmm…”
“What else do you have?”
Captain Blood.”
“I know who is in that. Errol Flynn. He looks like Jimmy Stewart.”
“….”
“Do you have something that’s not a Western?”
“Okay, how about Where The Sidewalk Ends. It has Dana Andrews and Gene Tierney….mom, okay, look, name three actors you actually like. JUST SAY IT PLEASE?”
“John Wayne. But I do not want to watch a John Wayne movie. They are too scary. Kirk Douglas. I like Kirk Douglas. Do you have any movie with him in it?”
“….”
“What?”
“I don’t like Kirk Douglas.”

Repost Review – Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD, pt. 1

mv5bmjixyzq2mjetnjgwmc00zmm2lwi1mjatownkoge2odyyzdk3xkeyxkfqcgdeqxvyntayodkwoq4040._v1_uy1200_cr8406301200_al_Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD (1998)–wait, yes, I can hear the mental brakes squealing, please finish the paragraph–may just be the best comic book movie ever. Yes, comic book movies existed way back in the dim days of the dawn of time–before the beginning of the Marvel Universe, before the X-Men came, when woolly mammoths roamed the Earth. Granted, most of them weren’t all that good, but when they were, you get a masterpiece like this one.

Masterpiece? Welllllll….yeah. It’s a word I will stand by. This movie has the all-to-rare blend of cheese, competence, gusto, earnestness, cool–and (attempted) depth that makes it genuinely watchable, enjoyable, and even rewatchable.

Most of all: it tried. It kept trying all the way through. And most of it? Hits the mark.

Hasselhoff is excellent as the cigar-chewing (…and smoking, I guess), gives-no-darns tough guy, leader, and Father to His Men. He goes whole hog on the role, gives it his all, growls, scowls, grins, menaces, and muscles his way through with enormous success. It also helps that he’s got the physical build to play a larger-than-life character. Hasselhoff is 6’4 and consistently paired off with shorter actors, his costumes emphasize his shoulders, and, yeah, he looks good. Just about everybody else is well-cast, too: from the scrawny but he’ll-grow-into-it Rookie to the utterly punchable supercilious bureaucrat, to the slavering villainess.

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Conflicted divorce lawyer single mom? Or glamorous super-spy?

The only real weakness is the action sequences. They’re extremely small-scale, and pretty darned flat. A little more money and a few dozen more stuntmen would have done wonders. I’d also point out that Lisa Rinna, Contessa Valentina Allegra de la Fontaine, “an old hand at the sexpionage game” and second in command on the strike team, appears not to have been informed that she’s in a comic book movie. Oh well.

So, plot:

Opening in A Bunker, Somewhere,

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“Ooo! He’s gonna shoot him!…who shot him?”
“Ok, so, that guy–”
“No, no, I know who got shot, it was that guy who was talking. Why?”
“Because the other guy is a traitor.”

HYDRA infiltrates and then attacks a SHIELD base to steal the corpse of Baron von Germanname, last of the global bogeymen. As to why there is a corpse on ice and not a pile of ashes in an unmarked urn somewhere, well, no clue. There is some slight resistance–

“Who this? Oh, the guy who was shot. Is he not dead?”

–a little bit of action–
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“I don’t know what is going on.”

–Our first one-liner–

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“That was a stupid saying. ‘Lets rock and let’s roll.’ For what?”

“What is going on? Still don’t know.”

–and a reveal of our female villain. The almost-dead-guy gasps out some dying words…
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“What? What? He thought she was a boy? A man?”
“No, he was talking to Nick.”
“Huh?”
“Like, just in general. Like, his last words. Like, ‘Mama!’ Only, he says Nick.”

And we are introduced to Nick Fury, a retired badass who is for reasons known only to himself spending his days in an abandoned mine in the Yukon, whaling on a rock wall with a pickaxe. Hey…wonder if he knows anyone else up there….

However, duty calls in the shape of a slightly-gormless new recruit who doesn’t even mind that Fury’s first response to the intrusion is a rather resentful beatdown.
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“Is that Nick? Nick Fury? Why is he doing that?”
“He didn’t know who it was.”
“He had no call to beat the man!”
“It could have been an enemy!”
“You look first, and then you beat people! You do not beat them first! This is not a good Nick Fury.”

Fury, it turns out, is rather bitter about having been put out to pasture, and isn’t interested, until he’s told about SceneOne McDeadGuy.
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“They killed who?”
“That guy who said ‘Nick’.”
“Oh.”

After exchanging barbs with Contessa Valentina Allegra de la Fontaine, “an old hand at the sexpionage game,” and yes, that is a direct quote from the movie, matters proceed.

“What is this girl’s name? Pretty girl.”

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“The eyepatch is not necessary.”
“He only has one eye!”
“Right. They didn’t have to have him that way.”
“He was that way in the original.”
“Hmph.”

Onboard the Helicarrier, we are introduced to PaleFace MindReader, an mind reader, who introduces herself by reading Fury’s mind.
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“Did she know him?”
“No. She’s a mind reader.”
“She is?”

The Helicarrier set is quite a nice one. Yes, it’s a leftover from whatever submarine flick was released that year, but it has excellent set dressing and depth of field or whatever that sort of thing is called. And having background chatter, PA announcements, lots of extras moving around, so on and so forth, is also good for setting up verisimilitude. I mostly just like the fact that it’s not 110% CGI.
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Notice the depth of the set on that second image: the heroes have already gone through one set of airlocks, the current space they’re standing in, and then the Contessa in the background is opening up the elevator, which they enter on camera in a single tracking shot. That’s cool!vlcsnap-2018-05-31-11h20m08s557(Fury is grinning because he can’t hear the No Smoking sign over the sound of how awesome he is)

So Nick Fury, un-retired badass, gets straight to the butting of heads with his supercilious, obstructive, and petty supervisor. We know this guy is obstructive and petty because he tells Fury to put out that cigar.

“He shouldn’t be smoking! Breaking the rules is when you do good to break the rules. He is not a hero. That is an anti-hero….no matter how many people like him.”
“Nicotine is addictive.”
“That is not an excuse.”
“Look, he has to have the cigar when he says those lines, because they’d sound stupider if he didn’t have it.”
“What.”
“I bet it helps him keep a straight face!”
“….”

The standard debriefing/cool toys scene follows:

“James Bond! He is M…? Q, no, he’s Q.”

As does a quick one that spoke deeply to my ex-payroll preparer heart:

“Heh, heh, heh, did you get that? It’s his W4. They’re trying to get him to sign his W4.”
“And he should!”

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We are also introduced to the Life Model Decoys, a concept which plays quite an important part in the comics and also (HINT HINT FORESHADOWIIIIIING HINT) in this very movie. We also get a pretty cool line: “I don’t know whether to congratulate you or put a stake in its heart.”
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Meanwhile, The Rookie is asking leading questions so the senior agents can explain the plot to him. The scene is a bit on the nose, but it serves its purpose to a) provide exposition for the audience, b) make it clear that the senior agents know what they’re talking about….so it really isn’t Rookie’s fault he’s a bit gormless.

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“This guy…is he gonna be a crook?”
“No!”
“He looks like a crook.”
“He’s a rookie. That’s why they have him chasing the W4s around.”
“Well then why doesn’t he know this stuff? This is important history.”
“Because he’s a rookie!”
“He’s an agent, isn’t he?”
“He just graduated from spy school! He’s not supposed to know anything!…heh heh heh, did you get that, spy school? High school? Heh heh. That was funny.”
“…”

To be continued later on account of my notebook went missing.

Pride & Prejudice 1995 – Get Cultured

“Riders, are we gonna get cultured tonight?”
“Yeah!”
“Wait, what are we doing?”
“Getting cultured. We’re watching Pride & Prejudice.”
“And Zombies?”

“A2, come get cultured!”
“….what?”
“We’re watching Pride and Prejudice.”
“But no zombies.”

“It’s kind of creepy that he’s just staring at her. I mean, he was awkward in the other version but this one–”
“Even more awkward.”
“Yeahhh…”

“So…what she just said was, ‘I heard you’re into this guy and I’m gonna tell it to you straight,’ but then she said, ‘you gotta be careful, he’s poor’?”

“He still staring at her?”
“It’s so awkward!”

“The mother isn’t going to be like this the whole movie, is she?”
“Yep.”
“Oh my g*d. I hate her already.”

“I like how the dad is just out of it. He’s so chill.”

“So awkward.”

“Homegirl is sassy! I love it. I like this girl. I hate everyone else, but I like her.”
“Well, what about Jane?”
“Oh, Jane is OK.”
“And what about the dad?”
“Oh, well, sure, I like him too.”
“What about Darcy?”
“Oh, well, I love Colin Firth, so sure. Even though he’s a creepy awkward dude who stares at girls instead of talking to them.”
“Hey, talking to people is hard.”
“…fair.”

“Oh my gosh. Is this the cousin guy?”
“He’s definitely more weasly. And possibly more ratlike.”
“I think he’s less ratlike but more weasly in this one.”
“You guys, he’s creepy!”

“THIS GUY! He’s so creepy!”
“He’s supposed to be like funny in a pathetic way.”
“He’s so creepy, it’s like–it’s like actually making me physically uncomfortable to see him.”

“Ooo, ooh is this gonna be the scene where he finds her in his house? DUDE. I cannot imagine how it would be if I came home and the person I asked to marry me and who turned me down was there IN MY HOUSE.”
“I hope this scene is as good as the other one, because that was deadass hilarious.”

“I feel like I need to read this book.”
“You need to read the book.”

“….so awkward.”

“What did I miss?”
“I wish I could catch you up, but…”
“….culture. You missed getting cultured.”
“Oh. That makes me sad.”

“When are the zombies going to show up?”

The Mother of Skaith Reviews – Tombstone

“I am very sleepy! I watched that movie you gave me all the way through last night! It is very violent! But I watched it. I even started to watch that other thing. The Director’s Commentary. That man in it was very good! He was funny. No, he is not Sam Elliott! I know Sam Elliott! He was Virgil Earp. What was the last Earp man? There was Wyatt, and Virgil, and who was the other? Morgan Earp. Who played him? Don’t give me that! I know people! I just don’t know their names. Who was he!? Tell me. Tell me!

“Oh. No, I don’t know him. Well, who was the other man? The funny man. The other bad man did the spinning thing with the gun, he did this and that and up and down, all fancy thing. And then the other fool man, he did the same thing with a cup! Doc. He was just mocking the man! I was laughing so much. How do you come up with that sort of thing? I tell you what, it was very good writing. How did they come up with that ? Like that man doing that, and Doc doing that to mock him. You have to really appreciate how good the writers are who come up with that sort of thing. I mean, real authors.

“How did Doc become a Doc? Was he a real doctor? Why did he go west if he was a doctor? How do you become a gunfighter if you go west? Oh, he had TB? What is TB again? Well, how did that make him decide he was going to become a gunfighter? You have TB and you gonna be a fighter?

“So when that Wyatt said, he sees the sash, which is what the Cowboys wear, he’s gonna shoot the man wearing it, and that Ike Clanton–was Ike Clanton the leader? Or was the man in the red shirt the leader?

“–so Ike Clanton, he out there running away and they’re running after chasing him, and he takes off his sash and throws it away. Did they still shoot him after that? The man is not wearing a sash any more! That’s what I said, it is very violent. There is a lot of running around and shooting and fighting. And those men were bad! The bad men in The Magnificent Seven, they just go there to rob the people, they don’t kill the people! Unless, you see the man come running out to kill you. He just wants to steal from the people. But these in this one, they go and they just be killing for no reason! Oh, were they stealing too? What were they stealing? What were they doing with cattle? I didn’t see any cattle in the movie.

“And was that opium? When the man in the red shirt comes out and he’s all shooting the moon. It was opium! The Director’s Commentary said so. You could just buy it back then, like over the counter medications today. But it is so addictive! And that girl, Wyatt’s wife. She was addicted to it! That’s very sad. What happened to her? No, in real life, I want to know, what happened to her?

“I know they died, Riders. It was a long time ago. Everybody in the movie is dead now in real life, yes, I know that. Thank you for telling me. I would not have known otherwise.

Warlock? Who is in that movie?”

Movies With [My m] -others – Ride A Crooked Trail

For best effect, read the following with a Jamaican accent.

“Do people talk in this movie?”
“I’m gonna need my notebook, aren’t I?”
“Why?”
“She takes down what people say during movies.”
“Why?”
“It’s for her blog.”
“…why?”
“It gets her clicks!”
“…”

“What’s the storyline? Can you fastforward it?”
“No.”
“She’s easily bored.”
“You don’t say.”

“I like diversity in my movies! Are there any black persons in this movie?”
“Yes.”
“There are?”
“No.”

“What is this, were they fighting and now they are friends?”
“It’s how it used to work in the west.”

“Is this a scifi western?”
“No.”
“Then why does he keep getting shot and not dying?”

“Doctor takin’ care of him and he making a fuss?”
“Men are the worst…patients. The worst patients.”
“….S, you are married!”
“I’m just sayin’!”

“Why he have on a choir robe now?”
“What.”
“That looks like a ‘joyful, joyful!’ choir robe, man!”
“It’s a Judge’s robe! Don’t you watch Judge Judy?”
“She have clothes on under her robes, man!”
“Oh I see what you mean, he has nothing on under the robe! Where’s his shirt?”
“See? And him in court, man!”
“He just came out of the doctor.”
“He had time to drink and smoke but he have no time to put on a shirt?”
“He was smoking the whole time, he just had time for one drink.”
“This is the wholesome show? With drinking and smoking and shoot outs?”
“But there’s no language!”
“So I could drink and smoke and it be O.K., so long as I don’t swear?”
“…”

“He has too much of a high-pitched voice for a cowboy.”
“He’s not a cowboy, he’s a judge’s assistant.”
“….it’s too highpitched.”

“So the town had no sheriff before him? How can a town function like that?”
“It’s how stuff happened back then.”
“Over here in America it is how stuff happened back then.”
“It’s how everything was back then everywhere!”

“All the towns are tough!…stop writing everything I say.”

“Are they on a houseboat?”
“Yes.”
“How they cooking on a houseboat? Propane?”
“….”
“They had propane back in those days?”

“Look at the egg!”
“That’s not good hangover food!—he’s going to vomit.”
“You watched it before?”
“No! I have been in this situation before and I know how you handle it? You see him? He is a pro! Him, he is a rookie!”

“I don’t know much about movies….you gonna write that?”
“No, it’s not funny enough.”
“[shrieks with laughter]”
“….OK….”

“A little harlot there.”
“What did you call her?”
“She said she was a Harley?”
“She said she was a little harlot!”
“Well, she is!”
“That’s harsh.”
“She is dressed like one, look.”
“It’s a nice dress…”

“What is a blog?”

“Did you hear that? They ask him about ‘passage money,’ and he says, ‘do not bother me with trifles!’ I am going to start using that line in real life now.”

“Black person!”
“He is really black.”
“And what are you?”
“I’m black.”
“Yes! You are black!”
“He is really black, though.”
“But what are you?!”

“Pancakes! Pancakes existed then?”

“I like his dress. He is very neat. I hate a sloppy male.”

“Is this a love story? They fall in love?”
“…not really.”

“Look at the man’s suit. Why the males don’t dress like this? They so sloppy now!”

“They’re gonna claim the child!”
“What? Why?”

“Oh, that woman is pushing it! She’s pushing it! She knows he is fake!”
“She also knows he’s good with a gun.”
“That, too.”

“Riders, how you gonna translate Creole on your blog? I don’t want to be Americanized here. You got to make me be authentic.”

“Why do they always want to break the bank in these old times?”
“Cause that’s where the money was!”
“They have real money back then?”
“They had gold!”
“Oh! Gold!”

“He’s not very good looking.”
“I don’t like him.”
“He looks plastic.”
“Yeah! He look like a puppet.”

“You know why he walkin’ backwards facing them?”
“He afraid?”
“That’s so he’ll be able to pull his gun!”
[boom]

“I do not like that man, he’s got a puppet face!”

“Everybody going back? Why?”
“They want to hit the bank.”
“Without proper preparation?”
“Nope.”
“They all goin’ die.”

“Did they adopt him?”
“The Judge sent him over.”
“Why? To spy on them?”
“No, because he is supposed to be with them because they’ll give him a better home.”
“He come with his gun and suitcase!”

“Ohhh, her little ovaries tingling, you know! Her ovaries tingling, you know…Riders, you are taking my best things, I will not be able to say any of these things in real life now. Copyright everything!”

“Aha, in his choir robe he is shooting them!…oh no, this time he is dressed!”

“That horse walked backwards!”
“They are capable of doing that.”

“See, I like this person. She likes my movies.”
“I am enjoying this movie, too. Ish.”

“Wait, what happened at the shootout at the bank?”
“They all died. Ish.”

“[Redacted redacted redacted, redacted. Redacted!] Do not write that! Do not write that!”

“Are you coming to watch the movie, Auntie?”
“Please let the movie continue.”
“Do you know Lord of the Rings? Do you know how long Lord of the Rings is? Do you know she once stood there and watched the entire movie standing there?”
“I am better now. I am going to sit down. Continue!”

(“Lord of the Rings is like seventeen hundred hours long, no?”
“What is Lord of the Rings? That is the one where they are like, traveling in the mountains or something?”
“It is the thing with the Ring, and the ‘my precious’ and the Dobby person…no, not Dobby…”
“Shhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
“Oh, shh, okay. Yes. Sh.”)

“Oh! A sheriff!”

“What’s Benji doing in that movie?”

“Is that him talking about himself?”
“Yes.”

“Can he hear?”
“Yup! That’s an ‘I heard’ face!”
“Who is he! That wicked man?”
“He is the good guy actually? He is a Judge.”

“Is he a good guy?”
“OK, so, the Sheriff guy is actually an outlaw who is pretending to be the Sheriff because the real Sheriff fell off a cliff…accidentally…and he went into town and has been being Sheriff, and doing a real good job protecting the town—“
“—because he’s protecting his bank! See him talking, like it’s “his” bank! When he just want to rob it!”
“Yeah, and there’s this other guy and a girl, but they’re not important right now.”

“Is that a baby horse for him, that is adorable. DO NOT WRITE THAT DOWN.”
“It’s not a foal!”
“It’s a pony.”
“It is a pony?”
“It’s a big pony!”
“Technically, a pony is any horse below a certain height.”
“Oh.”
“So that’s a horse.”
“…”

“They know him?”
“That’s the guy!”
“Who guy, the puppet face?”
“His face doesn’t move when he talks!”
“That’s what I said, he’s a puppet!”

“They could just shoot him in his back, but—“
“Don’t turn your back!—“
“—But there’s other cowboys and men around, so he’s ok.”
“Oh, he is ok.”

“OH NO! He’s dead!”
“No, no, no, they save him, they save him!….this is an emotional turmoil!”
“You see children, they get you in trouble!”
“What happened to him?”
“He got mash-up!”

“Who is she?”
“She’s his fake wife!”
“She’s his…fake wife?”
“She’s there for the bank, too.”
“Oh.”

“Uh oh! What now!?”
“What?”
“That music! That music make me know something going’ happen!”

“She is not into you!”

“He better be in that bed, or they have to buss’ his little head up!”

“What a beautiful dress!”
“That is another outfit!”

“She want the Judge to stay there so the Judge can see him there!”
“Women, they just manipulate the situation.”

“So where the little boy?”
“He sleeping. As a child should.”

“So isn’t that the place where no decent woman should be?”
“Well she’s there with her husband and the Judge…”
“He’s a common man! What kind of Judge is that?”

“She like this new life she living in. Doesn’t she? Doesn’t she?—“
“She is a schemer!”
“She likes this life, but she is torn. Riders, confirm this for me.”
“Mm-hm.”
“No, confirm it for me for real. Is she not doing this to keep him in sight of the Judge so the Judge cannot blame him for this when the bank is blown up?”
“No, the Judge is going to to blame him anyway.”
“Oh.”
“Because they could have had accomplices.”

“This movie is getting worse and worse and worser!”

“NOOOOO!….make sure you put lots of O’s in my NO.”

“That is a loyal child!”

“Cows again?”

“Is he there? He hiding between the cows!”
“Who?”
“The bad guy?”
“Puppet Face?”

“Why do not just shoot him and kill him!”
“If they shoot, the cows will get nervous.”

“What!”
“Are they going to shoot him? And kill him?”

“AWWWWWwwww!”
“He is a decent guy!”
“They are all decent people! Everyone can change!”
“That is what I am also saying!”
(“Are you putting that she is saying this in a British accent?”)

“It was a wholesome movie….minus the whole common law shacking up before they are married thing!”
“They got married in the end!”
“You must shun the appearance of evil! And they were living together!”
“Yes, but he was sleeping in a bathtub.”
“That is true.”

“That was a nice movie Riders, who would have thought!”

Ride Lonesome – Movies With My Mother

“He’s a bounty hunter?–I got no use for bounty hunters. He’s like a mercenary!”

“What are all these other saddles?”

“What! What is he doing!”
“He’s dead.”

“But Indians don’t come out at night.”
“What?”
“They should leave now!”
“No, if they leave now, the Indians will get them when they’re out in the open at night.”
“But Indians don’t come out at night! Or is it in the day that Indians don’t come out…”
“They can’t leave now.”
“Why not?”
“Indians!”
“…”
“…”

“Who’s he? This guy.”
“That’s James Coburn.”
“What! He! He is very young! What is he in the movie?”
“He’s the dumb sidekick.”
“….he was very young.”

“Why is this fool going out at night! There could be Indians! Yes! It could be them making that noise and you can’t tell! They do, you know!”

“Still, she could have held it together.”
“Hmmmm.”

“Who are they? Mescaleros again? They don’t want to talk this time?…they might not even give a horse this time.”

“Ooof, that guy looked like the horse came down on him.”

“They went away? Too many of them dead?”

“To get a what?”
“A woman.”
“No, he said something else. To–”
“Get a woman.”
“No, he said something else before that.”
“To get his hands on a woman.”
“There no Indian women?”
“She’s blonde.”
“If there was dye, back then, people could dye their hair!”

“Why don’t they build a fire?”
“Indians.”
“They could build a smokeless fire.” [The Mother of Skaith has also read her Louis L’amour.]

“Amnesty? They had amnesty for killers?…haha, maybe he got the wrong word it’s some other word.”

“What’s with the feather in his hat? What kind of foolishness is this? Is this to tell us something about his character? I’ve never seen anybody like that. Psssht!”

“What! If the leg is broken, I thought you can’t do nothing for the horse!”
“It’s not broken, it’s just hurt. He doesn’t want to stand up, because it’s hurt, so he just wants to lie there and he thinks he’s dying.”
“Oh.”

“Maybe they just need to rub the leg. And put comfrey on it.”
“They don’t have comfrey, Mom.”
“They can find comfrey!”
“…”

“What’s he doing? He’s fixing to do something. What’s he doing?”
“He’s moving to go get that gun over there.”
“Oh. Why?”

“What’s she doing?”
“She’s doing her hair.”

“He should not have done that! Even if he lied, he should not have proven that he lied! Now no one will believe him, even when he’s not talking about guns! What did he prove!?”
“Billy is a coward, though. That’s why it worked.”
“It doesn’t matter that the boy is a coward! You should not lie to him!”

“That’s Lee van Cleef!”

“What’s that?”
“A tree.”
“Yes, but what–oh, it’s a hanging tree? What is the point of a hanging tree? I didn’t hear what he just said, what did he say?”
“He said, Brigade used to hang people from it.”

“Shoot ‘im!”

“There are very few platinum blondes like her, you know.”
“Probably not natural.”
“That’s what I said, they’re rare.”

“So he gon’ tell her, fool, and she’s gon’ tell him! Not very bright!”

“Oh, you mean she’s not a natural blonde. Probably.”

“Why would he hang her!”
“He was young and getting revenge.”
“But why would he hang the man’s wife! That’s not revenge, she’s not the man!”
“He wanted to hurt him, that’s why he went after her.”
“But he didn’t need to do that!”
“But he did it because he was bad.”
“Oh, he is a bad man.”
“Yes, Mom.”

“Is he joshing him?”
“No.”
“He’s gon’ make him a partner and he’s a half-wit?”
“He’s a good guy!”
“–and a half-wit!”

“Does Coburn get killed?”
“No.”
“Oh. I’d be sorry to have that.”

“Is that a threat? Not a threat…a…what’d you call that?”

“What are they looking at?”
“Smoke.”
“What is the smoke for?”

“Oh, he’s burning the tree? Why?”

“See, I told you it was a good movie!”
“Mm.”
“And you didn’t even want to watch it!”
“It was five out of ten.”
“You are mistaken, it was nine out of ten.”
“…”
“…”