…or spoken….

“–and if you think M’s deal takes a long time–”
“Actually for M, it doesn’t take that long. We go, we count, she glares at us, we leave.”
“Sounds about right.”

“So we’re gonna see R–”
“Oh, R.”
“Oh, you know him, then?”
“I know he’s a dick.”

“J…I knew J. In another lifetime.”
“–a hot mess.”
“That whole family….”
“–is a hot mess express.”

“So in The Witcher–I don’t think you’ve seen The Witcher–”
“Oh I have watched all of The Witcher. Give me alllll the Henry Cavill shirtless.”

forty and plumb

“Hi, this is Riders. So I went to where the road turns right, and I turned left–”
“–and I went across the cattleguard, and now there’s another fork in the road–”
“–and there’s a tree here….and there’s a guy coming at me in a four-wheeler.”
“That’s the husband.”

“Personal new low: I lost my notebook this time.”

“Where’re you headed out next?”
“Well, somewhere I’m hoping it’s not flooded out.”
“Forty and Plumb, huh?”
“Out in the back forty and plumb nowhere?”

Or in writing

“Well, we resolved that one thing with the other person. We gave her what she wanted and admitted that we were right.”

“Aaaah! Die! Die!” [attempts to kill spider on the exterior of car window with foot.]

“Your car is infested with spiders!”
“Are you sure you didn’t just bring them with you?”

“You might need to hire some more barn cats, ‘cuz these ain’t doing their job.”

“Well, he didn’t say ‘Papillons.’ He said, ‘the French dogs that look like underfed chihuahuas.'”

or spoken

“I don’t know which is the one you need….this one says Ryders. Is that you?”
“I actually am Riders. I’m a different Riders, though. But that’s the one I need.”

“Okay, let’s just let it go under, ‘don’t let me catch you doing this again.’ Because if you’re gonna screw up, at least do something new and interesting next time.”

“Come on, guys, let’s go on outside and go chase squirrels and rabbits and any other kind of stupid thing….”

“I was having a pretty good day until you reminded me I had another birthday coming up.”
“That was my purpose!”

“[–] The animal control guy is a deputy or something with the police department, maybe. He had a badge.”
“T has a badge, but he’s not with the PD. He’s just animal control.”
“Well, he had a gun, too. Could’a been his own personal gun, of course.”
“T has a taser.”
“He had a haircut, too.”
“T has a haircut….”


“I think, if Disney wanted to influence politics, they should have just done it the ordinary way–“[simultaneously] “–quietly.”

“Did that hateful tornado lady get her stuff done?”

“I had to take the kitten inside and bottle feed her while her momma was out whoring around.”

“It’s so much trouble when you shoot someone. You have to face the judge here, and you have to face the judge there.”

or spoken: ChAlLeNgInG edition

“As you saw, she gets a little bit…………….challenging…when she’s challenged.”

“Oh, so I may have gotten somebody who isn’t me in trouble. I’m excited. They might not—ehhh, they kinda deserve it.”

“I don’t mind getting rained on, it’s the lightning I’m scared of.”
“Yeah….and I’m taller than you so I have more to be worried about.”

“J lives in interesting times. Permanently lives in interesting times.”

“[….] So…I would give them a call. Someone should still be in the office and they’d be able to help you out better than I could. If not, give me a call back and we’ll try to get somebody’s personal number. Or if there’s something else that I can, y’know, also not help you with.”

Overheard or spoken: pound sand

“How’s it going?”
“Well, if I had hair I’d be tearing it out.”

“He can’t just go and call Hank–”
“He did, Hank told him to go pound sand.”
“….he’s Amish, he doesn’t have a phone?”

“Hello, Riders. Well, first off I’d like you to know I am not upset.”

“So, S is the person we have to talk to. She can be kind of snotty and argumentative. But everything tends to be in good shape.”
[after a meeting that was all of forty-five seconds in length]
“Wow she really is a bitch.”

“We rotating the tires?”
“She is dating Jake. They don’t believe in rotating the tires on any of their vehicles.”

“Have you ever shaved a cat?”
“Well, one time I had to get some mats off my cat. So I was clipping her and I got her. And she turned around and got me. And then I had to get antibiotics.”

“Did you have kind of a long day today?”
“Well….put it this way, I’m gonna have my lunch for supper.”


“Punching bags are fine, but a real karate master does this…..uh….heh heh. Whoops.”

So I have a can of pumpkin and half a thing of cottage cheese and some brown sugar and I stuck the brown sugar in the blender but now I’m not sure of the next step.”
“W-wa-wai-wait, go back, you stuck the what in the blender?”
“Mostly I just wanted to blend something.”

Or *mis*heard….

“Hi, I’m Riders, I used to work here. B gave me the OK to go behind the fence and just say hi to the tigers.”
“Oh, okay. Uh…okay. Um, when you’re done just come back through the East Barn and make sure the gate’s latched.”
“So, okay, just have fun and be careful.”
“I’ll try :3”
“….w-wait, did you just say, ‘no promises?'”
“No…did I?”


“Now, my niece, on her own, she couldn’t manage a two-hole outhouse, but as an assistant? She was great!”

“So folks the trick with caffeine is a high initial loading dose, followed hourly by a maintenance dose. You’re looking for a state just under tachycardia…”

“So if it doesn’t show up within a reasonable time, give us a holler…in case the postman ate it or  set it on fire to keep warm, or something.”

“So on the 4th, the 5th, or the 6th, my assistant will be back. She’s having a nice vacation in Florida now.”
“Nice vacations are something that should happen to everybody every so often.”
“…..yeah…..well….they don’t for me.”

“You’re not the girl that was here last year.”
“No, that was me.”
“That was you?”