Show me what you love

(Alucard is watching Adventure Time in his room)
(TV suddenly explodes as Luke enters.)

Alucard: That was a 70-inch… plasma screen TV. (smacks his lips and inhales deeply) So… how can I help you?
Luke: You must be the great Alucard…
Alucard: ‘Suup.
Luke: I’ve heard quite a lot about you.
Alucard: Oh, really?
Luke: The nightwalker…who glides through oceans of blood… beyond human, a monster whose power radiates with a darkness that casts a shadow on darkness itself—
Alucard: Oh, you dirty bitch! Work the shaft!
Luke: …Excuse you?
Alucard: Oh, I’m sorry, I like the dirty talk when someone’s sucking my dick.
Luke: Perhaps I should just skip to my point. My name is Luke Valentine.
Alucard: And I’m Carmen Sandiego. Guess where I am.
Luke: I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you here.
Alucard: Oh, so am I, and I’m failing, and I’m sorry for that. It’s just that I’m so agitated, because this blond little shit just strolled into my room, destroyed my 70-inch plasma TV, and is trying to impress me like I’m his alcoholic father.
(Both draw and point their guns at each other’s heads from point-blank range)
Alucard: Be a sport and grab Daddy another beer, would you?

I’m also highly partial to:
Alucard: Get that bitch a cannon! Bitches love cannons!
And,
Alucard: BITCH I EAT PEOPLE!
And, 
TV Announcer: The terrorist duo inside is comprised of a young British woman and some Ozzy Osbourne-looking motherfucker
seras_with_dead_bernadotteBut the thing that, at the end of the day, makes this show actually kind of worth it (I mean…arguably….) is the fact that, aside from being completely consistent with the characters’….somewhat exaggerated….personalities for shits and giggles throughout, it still knows when to sober up and take matters seriously. So when our big-tittied police girl has lost her arm, her eyes, her love interest, her duty post, and almost her sanity–not to mention that Nazi vampires have overrun London, and the Catholic Church, Mexican Inquisition, and the Salvation Army decided to “kill them all and let God sort them out”–we get a scene that is very genuine, emotional, and meaningful. 
Alucard: Listen to me, Draculina! You are so much stronger than you let yourself be!
Seras: (sobbing) ‘Ow do you know?!
Alucard: Because behind those eyes, I saw something I lost long ago: the will to live. Now, stop running from who you are. Confront it! Embrace it! And go for its fucking throat. Like a REAL FUCKING VAMPIRE!
Honestly, I hate secret government organizations that hunt supernatural threats, I hate vampires, and I hate sexy vampires….but thing is, so does everyone in this show, including the secret government organization and the sexy vampires. Put that together with oodles of stylized violence, fancy costumes, drama, melodrama, angst, blacked-out silhouettes with glowing/reflective eyes, guns, violence, more violence, no seriously the amount of anime gorn is what kept me from watching either the original or the abridged series for the longest time–you can’t get better than this. And I mean either the original, which plays things absolutely seriously, or…y’know, this version, which doesn’t.
 
Rated:
Anderson: Time the fuck out! If we’re doing this — and WE ARE DOING THIS — I’m not gonna come swinging at DRACULA! I’M KILLING ALUCARD!
Dracula: You do know that it’s just my name spelled–
alexander_anderson2c_monster_of_god

Twins of Evil (1971) – Attempted Watch Party

“So Riders, what are we watching?”
“Okay, so, there’s this movie about this man, who is a man of God and he smites evil.”
“Sounds good!”
“And then his nieces show up and he ends up driving them to evil and then he regrets it.”
“Still sounds good….let’s start it!”
“Why are you grinning like that, Riders?”

“Is this old-timey kind of movie?”
“Yes.”
“I mean, is it set in old times, or does it have old actors?”
“….yes.”

“Puritan?”
“I guess.”
“Puritan, right?”
“Yeah, but they have crucifixes and they make the sign of the cross. I think the filmmakers just got confused.”

“Just like that?! Just like that they burning her?”
“Was it like that really?”
“Yes. Unfortunately, in America they did have vigilantes, and they did go around and accuse people and they did burn witches.”
“This isn’t America.”
“….what?”

“Are those real twins?”

“I saw a black man.”

“So who is this man? Him who is fooling around with the girl? Is he a Puritan, too?”
“NO!”
“He is in black and white, too, look.”
“That’s ’cause he’s in his underwear!”
“Oh.”
“That’s a lot of underwear.”

“Oh! They are going to become bad girls. So thus they are twins of evil. I get it now, ahhh.”

“OHHHH HE BETTER NOT GO IN THERE WITH THEM!…phew! He evil, man! He’s the one who needs to be burned at the stake.”
“Well, he’s trying to smite evil.”
“HE EVIL.”

“I mean…I’d personally not be all that fired up about pleasures beyond the grave.”

“He gon’ kill her?”
“….”
“He gon’ kill her? Riders. Put the other one on”
“Yes, Riders what is that other one you said with the soldier who has to rescue his daughter?”
“Aww you guys, we didn’t even get to the bit with the vampires yet!”
“There are vampires in this movie?”

Priest (2011) – Movie Review

o4fvnd2fqqqohmmxs8cqbegplkwIt’s not as insanely ridiculous as it seems.

In fact, bits and pieces of it are almost as cool as it tries to be. Mostly those bits are the costume and character designs, but some of the sets and setpieces are a pretty decent blend of cyber-desert-animepunk. The cast is also *cough* very good looking. They don’t have all that much to do, overall, but they’re pleasant to look at and really good at posing in long, flowy dusters with ominous, face-shrouding hoods. And, while there are the expected slams against organized religion of a certain *cough* flavor, it’s slightly moderated by a) I knew they were coming, b) the genuine heroism and faith displayed by the ground-level characters–the Priest and Priestess who are the ones who actually put their lives on the line, who fight to protect, who have not become complaisant, and who have never sought power over others.

The biggest factor in this movie’s favor is that, bar a short segment at the beginning, there isn’t a whole lot cringy, hamhandedly-delivered, poorly-written exposition. Vampires = exist. Priests = kill vampires. That’s it. Everything else is implied, and by “implied,” we mean, Because It Looks Cool, Do I Have To Explain Why His Shuriken Look Like Crosses? No? I Thought Not.

I can get behind cool. I can’t get behind cringy.

Overall, if this had been the slightly higher budget pilot movie to a cyberdesertanimepunk TV show, it would have been pretty cool. There’s actually enough side detail that I ended up wishing the world and side characters (the immediately-killed repressive but still loving parental figures, the Monsignor who forbids The Priest from going to the damsel’s rescue but doesn’t bat an eye when he storms violently out to do so; the pro-vampire snake oil salesman…who, admittedly, does get the additional characterization of being Brad Dourif, but still) had been fleshed out a little more. How do the cities work? Exactly what is their level of technology? What sort of communication systems are there? What do the Priests do when they are not at war? Other than the obvious, how come there’s desert and how come there are trains?

So, anyhow: plot. There are vampires (even though there aren’t supposed to be any more), and they kidnap this girl. The Priest goes out to rescue her (even though he isn’t supposed to), along with the girl’s boyfriend, who on paper is a pretty decent badass but on film is played by someone who couldn’t act his way out of a cardboard box. The Priestess catches up with them, because she’s supposed to be bringing The Priest in dead or alive, but she has a long-standing crush on him and joins them instead. They figure out: a) that there are lots of vampires, b) heading towards the city, c) on a train, d) that the head vampire (Karl Urban, looking spookily like Harry Dresden) and e) the girl are on. And that’s it. That’s the plot. Oh, and there are motorcycles, because why not?

And…my standards might be declining with each passing weekend, but…

I kinda liked it.

Not Actually A Review – Honor at Stake – Declan Finn

In the spirit of fairness, this is mostly a rant about how I hate vampires, not a review of the book, which is decently written and entertaining if you have a high enough tolerance of vampires and Catholicism. Problem is, I….I have a lower than necessary tolerance for both, and so wasn’t really happy with this book. It’s not bad! I just didn’t like it and am taking the opportunity to complain.

So.

Plot: two weirdoes bump into each other on a college campus. One of them’s a vampire. One of them isn’t. It’s not the one you would have assumed at first. Also, they are Catholic. Also, there are gangs of vampires attacking and killing people in NYC. Also, Vatican Ninjas. (Did we mention Catholic?) And, to be honest, I kind of gave up at the Vatican Ninja part, just because I consider that to be lazy writing. (“Vatican Ninjas” is a direct quote from the book and how they are referred to…including by the priest.)

This book wasn’t a really good match for my tastes to begin with–I was attracted by the thought that it would be about a couple of sociopaths being nominal good guys because they kill vampires–because I bloody well hate vampires to begin with.

No, really. I despise them. The only non-Dracula vampires I actually like are the Kate Daniels ones–they’re mindless, mutated, feral zombies who drink blood and are used as mind-controlled servitors by the wizard guild. That made me genuinely enjoy reading about them. The Dresden Files vamps are also acceptable, because they get around the sexy-vamp pitfall by showing how creepy and inhuman the sex-vamps/succubi actually are, and it also the classic-vamps good antagonists by making them extremely scary, extremely intelligent, and totally evil.

Vampires in fantasy, particularly urban fantasy, are treated much the same way sub-par authors treat elves: powerful, sexy, mysterious, romantic. Only, elves aren’t necessarily fundamentally opposed to human life and human nature. Elves don’t have to hypnotize the hero/heroine to get to second base-range. I have an aversion to being told a soul-eating, mind-controlling, undead monster made of rotting flesh and secondhand blozod is a desirable romantic prospect. Y’know?

There’s a book–whose name I do not remember, it was many years ago that I stumbled upon it–where the badass, trenchcoated vamp cuts through a police squad effortlessly, probably with a katana, and descends back into the crypt….and then proceeds to vomit up blood into it’s master mouth. That’s what I think of vampires.

Also, lampshading the fact that modern vampires are all over the place and usually romatic/erotic heroes (hello, Laurel K. Hamilton.) doesn’t help your case, when your hero is A VAMPIRE and there is an extremely strong romance element in the mix. Also-also, bashing Twilight for Mormonism when you aren’t much better about Catholicism, isn’t a very sporting move.

So, yeah.

Anyhoo.